The University of Michigan enrolls student based on Retweets

The U of M announced on Wednesday morning that they will be taking requests from potential students via Twitter.

Chad Bizwell (@CBizwell) was one of the first students to ask the university for admission.

All Chad has to do is ask the internet world to retweet his tweet and Chad will be enrolled in a prestigious university. Chad quickly went to Twitter to get out his tweet.

People’s magazine did an interview with Chad.

All I did was hit the “tweet” button and the internet did the rest. College is going to be a cake walk.

Chad Bizwell when asked how he was able to pull of 10K retweets

And just like that, Chad was given admission to college. No admission process, no ACT or SAT requirement, no essay about human rights, no twenty-page admission form to fill out, no waiting 4 months after submission.  Just tweeting out less than 280 characters and sitting on his ass waiting for the internet to do his job for him. People want to call Millennials lazy, you wait until generation X sheds their light on the world.

The Worst People on Twitter

Below are the people who taint Twitter and make it unbearable at times. No certain order because they all equally suck.

The people that don’t understand satire/jokes

These dumbasses are probably the most common of the people on this list. If you follow any comedian or satirical blogger then you understand my pain when you read through the thread of a comedian’s tweet and see the utter stupidity of people who intake the same oxygen as you.

I mean, come the fuck on. The man’s name is DICK TATOR, yeah DICK fucking TATOR. Any person with the slightest common sense would look at this and think, “oh thats not real, must be a joke.” But nope, there are people that jump to conclusions like a crackhead doing backflips in the streets for money

360 dumbass people liked this. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY.

My God. My advice to anyone new to the internet. READ INTO EVERYTHING. DON’T JUST READ HEADLINES AND TITLES. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS.

The “I won the lottery and I’m giving it all away” people

Yeah, because the first thing I would do if I won the lottery is go on Twitter and give money away to complete strangers. Okay, bruh.

The people that say “if -so and so- does this, then I’ll give everyone who retweets this $XX” people

“Make sure to follow me so I can DM for your PayPal info” I can’t believe people actually fall for this bullshit. Watch, some rich person is actually going to do this and be true to their word and I’m going to be biting my fists.

Even potential Presidential candidates are doing it. This is 2019 y’all….

You do not have my vote, clout chaser. But I will retweet this just to see if you’re a man of your word.

The “Well actually” people

This guy hits every stereotype for a “Well actually…” guy tweet.

  • a meme as a profile pic
  • no actual name associated with the account
  • narcissistic
  • “insanely rich”
  • Too much to say in a single tweet

Trolls

These people sort of tie into the last one. But internet trolls are everyone’s number one hated thing on the internet. The saying “it’s easy to talk that way behind a keyboard” speaks an insane amount of truth. I don’t even need to show an example of this one because there are numerous kinds of trolls.

Image result for troll meme

The “I only travel to show off” people

Fuck off. Do you even work? How can you afford all this shit? And your wearing strictly Patagonia?!?! WTF?

I don’t necessarily blame these people for posting this stuff and showing off where they have been. Just be considerant of us peasants you are showing this too making us hate you because we ain’t you

Image result for the hate us cause they ain't us gif

Perhaps this blog should be called “I hate Twitter” but I fucking love Twitter. It’s my daily newspaper and I get all kinds of entertainment from it. It just sucks to see this kind of behavior clog up my feed from viewing good content. I guess it’s just the world we live in, in 2019.

Maybe one of those rich programmers, Mulan Zusk, will make an app that blocks out all of this shit I’m talking about. But noooooo. We’re more concerned about going to Mars, and ~clean energy~, and robots that are horrifyingly human like, and cleaning up the Earth. Yawn. Why don’t we focus on our real problems like blocking internet trolls and educating people to understand sarcasm?

……that was sarcasm, by the way… Save the Turtles.

Did I miss out on anyone you hate seeing? Leave a comment below! Follow the blog for more content! And follow us on our social media!

by: Jake Ring