News Headline in 2050: Atlanta Writer dies from unsubscribing from email ads. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Jan Rodgers was a writer for an Atlanta news station.  She spends most of her time on her computer, which can lead to the occasional online shopping frenzy.  Jan also checks her email frequently and noticed that her inbox was being overloaded with spam and ad emails. So, she took time out of her day to unsubscribe from Wal-Mart, Bed Bath & Beyond, PetCo, L’oreal, American Eagle, Sears, and even Victoria’s Secret.  Each time she’d unsubscribe, a message would tell her, “You have successfully unsubscribed from the Kohl’s Sale Alerts email list.” Jan then went about her day and did not check her email for the rest of the night.

The next day, Jan started her day off by drinking her usual cup of coffee with cream in her favorite Harry Potter Gryffindor coffee mug.  She logs on to her computer to check her email, expecting that her email won’t be filled with advertisements and spam email. She has 15 unread emails waiting for her.  Ten out of the fifteen emails were from the companies she just unsubscribed from. She quickly unsubscribed from the companies email list again and thought to herself, “Maybe it takes a couple of days to remove me from the list.

The next few weeks seemed to be a nightmare Jan couldn’t wake up from. It was a constant process of unsubscribing from emails. It seemed as if the emails were coming in more often than when she started the process.

6 weeks after her initial unsubscribing process, Jan had 1,200 unread emails and the majority of them were ads. Jan was losing her hair, putting on weight, and altogether not taking care of herself. The emails devoured her and her complete attention.

Finally, after going and seeing her psychologist, Jan decided to delete her email and get a fresh one.

After one day of the new email, the ads were back. Jan couldn’t handle it as she threw all her electronics into the nearby river.

Weeks later, Jan began obtaining more and more paper ads in the mail. And she was receiving telemarketing calls. It was never going to end for Jan.

She eventually sold her house. And retreated to the countryside to live the remainder of her days in the woods. Years went by as Jan was enjoying her ad-free life. But one day, as she is gathering wood for a fire, she sees a man walking through the woods. The man is wearing a white shirt, black tie, black dress pants, and glasses. Jan tries to avoid the man but he spots her and comes up to talk to her. He begins by saying, “Miss, Miss, are you alone.” Jan mumbles and says, “yes, please leave me alone.” The man quickly replies with, “have you heard of the good word?”

Jan drops to her knees and dies. The man rushed her to the hospital and the doctors concluded she died of running from ads.  A common death in 2050

Don’t unsubscribe from emails. It will kill you.

​Satire.

Brave college student survives 4 years of classes without putting a single sticker on his Laptop. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Chad Rosier recently graduated The Ohio State University while not putting a single sticker on his laptop.  No sticker to cover up the Apple logo, no sticker that shows his political party, no sticker to show his favorite Netflix series, no “Keep Calm and ….” sticker, and no sticker that shows what school he was attending.  Very seldom is a student able to survive that long without surrendering to sticker life.

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We interviewed Chad to see how he was able to ride out the burden of keeping a naked laptop.

Chad said, “I’ve had a lot of pressure from orientation all the way to graduation.  Stickers were handed out to me for free at a lot of events, but I kept true to my word that I would never give in to the college norm of hammering stickers on my laptop.”  

We asked him, “Why are you doing this? Are you trying to raise awareness for something?” Chad’s response, “No. I just didn’t want 15-cent stickers on my laptop that cost me thousands of dollars.

We salute you Chad for your courageous act.

Satire

New Airline to Offer “First Up, First Off” Program (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Airliner to offer “First up, First off” incentive on plane rides.

Are you the anxious one on the flight? Or the “I was just sitting too long” person. Maybe you want to get your overhead out before someone steals it. Then look no further.  A new American airline, Asshole Airlines, is set to offer it’s groundbreaking “First Up, First Off” program to travelers.  New nanotechnology developed by Elon Musk, will be inserted under the skin during the “admittance process” and will let each passenger know who stands up first after landing. A scoreboard-type monitor will be on the back of each seat which shows who will exit the plane first, second, third, and so on.

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Below is the promotional poster posted across their social media.

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It is not an easy process to become an Elite Asshole Airlines Member. One must go onto assholeairlines.com, pay a one-time membership fee of $5,000, and fill out their brief 27-page form.  After consideration, select parties will begin the “admittance process.” This process takes anywhere from 3-6 weeks while undergoing intense personality tests.  

CEO of Asshole Airlines, Shane Butcher, stated in an interview with the NY Times when asked about the extensive process to become a member, “We aren’t going to let anyone with an asshole be an Elite Asshole Airlines Member.  One must have honest intentions of being an asshole and a natural talent for pissing people off.”

If you want more information about this incredible offer, go to assholeairlines.com/info

Satire.

Starbucks to Start Offering Environment friendly Cylindrical Dispensers

by: Rodrick Joseph

Starbucks to Start offering community Cylindrical dispensers for their coffee.  

In an effort to reduce waste on plastic, the environmental minds at Starbucks have come up with a fantastic idea.  Cylindrical dispensers that customers can drink in the drive-thru. These dispensers will act as common vending machines with all of Starbucks’ drink options from black coffee to the Matcha Green Tea Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème.

Below is a concept drawing from Starbucks’ graphic design team.

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Kevin Johnson, CEO of Starbucks, was cited saying, “The paper straws weren’t enough for us, we think drinking coffee like rodents is the way of the future for the coffee industry.”

In an interview with The Onion, Carlos Brito, CEO of Anheuser-Busch InBev stated, “We are already in development for our beer options following the same model as Starbucks, they are paving the way for beverage companies everywhere.

Customers who wish to get their morning fix will get to drive up to the dispenser, pay for the drink, and drink as much as they can.  To monitor hoarders of the dispenser, after you pay there will be a 45 second time period to allow you to drink your coffee. The American workplace is a fast pace environment.  Why shouldn’t you drink your coffee the same way?

​Satire.

Students get 5000 retweets to take Math Final

by: Rodrick Joseph

May 10th, 2019.

Juniors of Kimberly Anne High School were displeased when their Math teacher, Mr. Henwood, told them, “You guys have been such a good class this year, there will be no final.”  Although, the students were very concerned with their education and retaining knowledge going into their bland summer vacation. As stress levels rose, Carole Summers, proposed to Mr. Henwood that if the students were to get 5,000 retweets on Twitter in 5 days, then they would have to take a math final. 

The class decided that Deshaun Wright would compose the tweet since he had the most followers (769).  Within fifteen minutes the tweet had over 1,000 retweets. The students were so excited they were going to have the chance to take the final.  

After 5 days, the tweet had over 15,000 retweets.  What really put the tweet over the top was professional athlete, Cam Heyward from the Pittsburgh Steelers, luckily saw the tweet and retweeted it with the quote, “They said if they get 5k retweets they will have finals. Everyone lets get this done immediately”  

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But the final did not turn out the way the students wanted.  The teacher did not want to make and grade a final, which is the real reason he proposed to have no final.  He was so infuriated with the internet, that he made the test one question (see below) and made it the day after the deadline for the retweets.  This was an Algebra II class.

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The students were so focused on trying to get the final, they did not study, and all of them failed.

The students may not have got the outcome they wanted but they conducted a social experiment and concluded that the Twitterverse, consisting of people of all ages, really care about high school students education and will interact with a tweet to allow them to get what they want.  And they only activity they had to do was twiddle their thumbs.  Mr. Hendwood regrets giving them the option to do this.  “After it was done, it didn’t seem fair how they just sat there, playing Fortnite on their phones, while the internet did all the work,”  said Henwood, after he failed the entire class.

Satire.

Mirror Pic Guy Actually Gets Laid (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Jack Wright, a 20-year-old college kid, woke up one morning and went for a run to the gym to get his lift on.  While at the gym, Jack took a second out of his busy workout routine to look at himself in the mirror. Jack noticed how big his biceps and triceps had gotten since he began lifting 2 weeks ago.  Jack had no other choice than to get his phone out and take a picture of himself flexing. Jack was so thrilled with himself, he posted it to all of his social media. SnapChat, Facebook, and he even made it his profile picture on Instagram and Twitter.  

Jack thought, “Girls will be drooling over me with this picture.”  Within seconds, Jack had multiple hits on his pictures.  Girls were commenting, “Oh, Jack, I love the mirror pic.” and “Jack, you are so brave for posting this picture.”  He also got the occasional, “Jack, this picture makes me want to rip your clothes off and fuck you good.”  Even his mom posted a comment on his picture saying, “Son, if I was 20 years younger….

Jack then went out to the bar with his friends that night.  Girls at the bar were obviously noticing him and he was quickly surrounded by a pack of women.  Jack had his pick in the pride. He took home the woman of his choice and got lucky that night.

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Jack then woke up from his dream and quickly got his gym bag and went to the gym.  Jack knew that he must post mirror pics to get women.

Update: 3 months later, Jack only gets girls in his dreams.  

Satire.

Texting while driving impairs your texting game (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

We all do it. You’re driving down the road, trying to talk to your boo, and you’re having trouble texting because you just got a notification to turn left at the next intersection.  Driving is now the number one cause of misleading texts next to drinking.

Don’t text and drive. If you need to text, pull over to a safe area so that driving doesn’t get in the way of sending a great text. Even when you’re tweeting or social media-ing.  When you’re driving and using your phone, your quality of texting decreases greatly and it is a threat to the rest of us.  Using Siri doesn’t help either, she can’t understand half of what you’re saying since the radio HAS to be as loud as it can be.

Even with auto-correct, spelling errors and grammatical errors exponentially rise while driving.  You are at a high risk of coming off in the wrong tone, spelling something wrong (making yourself look dumb), not having the correct punctuation, or even the autocorrect correcting to the wrong word altogether.

This poor woman didn’t even see it coming.  She was texting and driving and ended up saying she was going to eat her Grandma and Grandpa instead of “meeting them”.

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This guy below was just trying to spit some game.  Ended up looking like a complete and utter failure on the other end.  Driving got in the way of what this guy was trying to say.  Now, instead of being boo, he’s just another guy that was too busy driving to text back this girl.  6 months later.  Alan was put into the friend zone, never to be released.

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So please next time you’re behind that screen, pull over so you’re texting game can be on point and not confuse the person(s) on the other end of the screen.  You’re loved ones worry about you, and that text could save a life. Pull over, think out your text/tweet and send it with ease knowing you weren’t distracted by driving.

Satire.

Guy doesn’t retweet a chain Tweet, has bad luck all of 2019. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

April 24th, 2019.

Tom Whiteworst, unmarried and single, woke up Saturday morning after a one-night stand, made his coffee, walked outside to his patio, sat his MacBook air on a black mouse pad on his table, logged onto Twitter and proceeded to scroll through his feed.  He saw the usual, cute dog videos, kids dabbing, Kanye dying his hair, school shooting in Florida, drug bust in the local grocery store, Trump tweeting about someone. The usual.

Tom then scrolls down to a tweet shown below:

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Tom thinks nothing of it as he continues to scroll down his feed.  He sees gets the end of his morning scroll, closes his laptop and continues on with his day.

As he walks back into his house, his screen door goes off the rail and the glass cracks.  Tom thinks nothing of the tweet as it had to have been a coincidence.

Tom can’t get the door fixed for another week so he puts organized trash bags up to block the doorway.  The next morning he finds that raccoons and squirrels have broken in through the trash bags and ate all his food in the cabinets leaving only parts of the cardboard boxes and a mess to clean up.

May 19th, 2019.

Tom is getting ready to watch the finale of Game of Thrones, thunderstorm occurs undetected and fries all of his TVs in his house, as well as his internet modem.  Tom is then forced to watch the Finale on his phone, but 20 minutes into the episode, Tom’s phone, runs out of data. Tom is then spoiled by the end of Game of Thrones when he walks into work the next day as every employee is talking about it.

July 4th, 2019.

Tom is at a barbeque with his family and is getting ready to watch the fireworks.  Tom is still in denial of the bad luck caused by no retweeting the tweet on the April morning.  Tom volunteers to help set off the fireworks. Tom is given a flare to light all the fireworks. As he goes to light the fireworks the flare malfunctions and explodes in his face.  Half of Tom’s face is burnt to a crisp and he must have immediate surgery to fix his face. His insurance company won’t cover the surgery as they do not cover cosmetic surgeries. Tom must pay for all of it.

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September 5th, 2019.

Tom gets two flat tires on his way to work.  AAA comes and is unable to help him because his membership expired yesterday.  Tom must walk to work then call a towing company who charges out the buttload to get his car to a shop. Tom starts to get very suspicious about the tweet he did not retweet

November 28th, 2019.

Tom goes to urinate at his work, but there is a pain is coming from his kidney.  This persists for the next few days and Tom goes to the doctor to check it out.  The doctors say Tom has kidney stones and the only way to pass them is to take a medicine to break them down then they will pass.  After 3 very painful and irritating days. The stone pass and Tom is relieved of the pain.

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Tom is now fully aware of the tweet and his scared for his life until the end of 2019.

December 31st, 2019

Tom has kept himself sheltered for the past month with all the bad luck he has been experiencing.  Since the last major incident, only a few light bulbs have gone out, a few hangers have broke, and his upstairs sink has been clogged.  He is afraid to fix anything because he thinks it will only get worse. He has been so excited for New Year’s Eve and 2020. Constantly tweeting out. “2019 has been bad for me, hope 2020 brings a better life.” & “New year, new me.”  He’s also pledged to go on a diet as he as put on 40 lbs since that day in April.

Tom makes it to 11:00 PM and thinks he is in the clear.  11:30, Tom starts to get excited. 11:45, Tom uses a bottle opener and doesn’t cut himself while opening it. 11:58, Tom starts his countdown from this awful year.  At 11:59 Tom’s phone rings, it’s a text message from the girl he had a one night stand with back in April.

The text reads “I’m having a child, and you’re the dad.”

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The ball drops and it is now 2020.

Now when Tom scrolls through social media, he makes sure he retweets everything that he is told to retweet.  You should too.

​Satire.

Can you believe there are people in this world that don’t live their lives on social media? (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

I mean, when anything of importance in my life happens, I post it on Facebook to brag to the rest of the world. If I’m at a beautiful place, I post it on Instagram. And if it’s someone’s birthday, I have to wish them a happy birthday on Twitter with embarrassing pictures of them while their drunk. I just can’t believe there are people that are so selfish they keep their lives to themselves and are personal about things. Did it really happen unless it was on the internet for everyone to see? Are we really friends if we don’t post candid pictures of each other?

I know someone that actually calls people for their birthday’s. Are you kidding me? And did you know, that there are people that FaceTime their significant other and don’t post a screenshot on Facebook? Who the fuck are these private folks? We don’t live in 1999 anymore, we live in a world where everyone should know everyone else’s business. It’s our constitutional right to have complete and utter transparency.

I wish Trump would push laws like this through Congress. Forget health care, illegal immigration, and the legalization of marijuana, everyone should be required to post every significant event on social media. I want to know if you’re going to PF Chang’s to meet up with your high school friend that you haven’t seen in 20 years. Or, if you’re tired and are going to bed. Even if you undecided on whether or not to buy the Heinz ketchup or the store brand ketchup.

We deserve everything.

Satire