So you want to be a stock photo model?

 It isn’t easy, you know. There is a lot of stress that comes with being the cover of a Big Lots ad. I am going to outline these 5 necessities you must possess to live this dream.

  • You have to be as common looking of a person as possible. The more boring the better! No punk rock-ies, no hippies, no gangsters. Only people that look like they have a mortgage, drive a KIA, have two kids, and a Labrador dog named Shadow.
Happy multiethnic family sitting on sofa laughing together. Cheerful parents playing with their sons at home. Black father tickles his little boy while the mother and the brother smile.

  • You have to be able to fake laugh for 4 straight hours. Looking like having fun is not fun.  Especially when you have to do it in a studio for 4-8 hours with people you just met. Get those cheek muscles ready, because you will be worn out by days end. 
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  • You have to be able to handle being “that girl” or “that guy.” If you do a photoshoot for a herpes medicine, people are going to see you as “the herpes guy.” I’m not saying you are going to be doing ads for sexually transmitted diseases all the time but you might have to take that job if rent is in a few days and the white claws from last weekend drained your bank account. (We’ve all been there) 
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  • You have to have an extremely low budget for living life. If you are going to make it a career you have to be the type of person that lives in a 200 square-foot apartment and doesn’t have cable. This contradicts my first point, but being a stock photo model only brings half a loaf of bread to the table. Being a stock photo model only pays $75-$200 for a couple of hours of work.
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  • If you have an agent or even if you are doing it yourself, make sure they(you) aren’t signing you up for porn. Pretty plain and simple. Be aware.
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Fortnite World Cup Champion “Bugha” spends his entire $3 million paycheck on V-bucks

It just goes to show you that young kids cannot take on the pressure of barrels full of money. Kyle Giersdorf, 16, (screen name, “Bugha”), won the Fornite World Cup this past weekend in which he took home a whopping $3 million.

To put some perspective on his winnings. Kyle brought home more money than the Wimbledon champion, the Masters winner, and the PGA winner.

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One would think, “I wonder what I would do with three million dollars?” Buy a car. Buy a house. Use it for college. Get out of debt. Buy a boat. But nope, 16-year old Giersdorf took his entire payout and spent it on V-bucks, which is Fortnite’s in-game currency. This gave Bugha $405,000,000 in V-bucks money. Kyle bought every cosmetic item he could in the first 5 minutes of having the near unlimited V-bucks but the Fortnite In-Game Store resets every day at 8:00 PM EST, limiting his buying opportunities.

We asked Kyle, why would you do this? He states, “Fortnite has given me so much from money to fame and recognition, and why not thank them by giving all my winnings back to the game that produced me?” “I also plan on gifting all my subscribers, friends, and followers cosmetics as I can.” At least his heart is in the right place, unlike his brain.

Kyle’s parents declined to interview as they have not been able to talk since their son made the V-bucks purchase.

This is complete and utter Satire. Please Kyle, do not do anything stupid with that money. You deserve every penny of it.

NBA makes an agreement with Nike to make unburnable jersey’s for the 2020 season.

NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, has had enough of fans burning players jerseys.  “I fucking hate it. It’s a disgrace to the League, the to players, and to the player’s former team.”  The internet trend of burning jerseys started when LeBron James made his “Decision” to take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat.  Cleveland Cavaliers fans burned his #23 jersey in displeasure of James’s move.

Kevin Durant also received the same hate when he decided to join the 73-9 Warriors making the NBA completely unwatchable and boring. (This one’s well deserved)

To kill this trend, Silver has made an agreement with Nike and Fanatics to sell “unburnable” jerseys. Jersey’s put on the market will now have a special fabric used by firefighters that is able to withstand intense heat for hours at a time. Because of this special fabric, jersey’s will now run for $400 each.

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Silver hopes that this will limit the amount of hate some players receive when they make a move to another team.

So next time you’re favorite player decides to sign elsewhere, be happy for the guy that’s doing something to better himself instead of being a narcissistic asshole and burning that $120 jersey you bought last year for your kid so you can get 5 retweets on your lame meme account.

Satire

By: Rodrick Joseph

Clout Chasing company “clout co.” Opens Its Doors

LOS ANGELES – A brand new type of company is set to open its doors. clout co. will offer a variety of services to help potential influencers grow their image and social media accounts. Instead of asking your second cousin to snag you a backstage pass to a third rate SoundCloud rappers’ show, you can pay this company to clout your way to the top.

We got a chance to interview the CEO of clout co. to get a better perspective of the company’s goals. Mark Scam, from the bay area stated:

It’s hard out there for aspiring influencers to get the following they want. No one wants to take the time to do it either. At clout co. we take the chasing out of the process. We will associate our clients with big influences that are similar in demographic to allow the clout to grow. Tekashi 6ix9ine was our first successful client, and you see where he is now.

Below is their promotional poster.

clout co.’s promotional poster via their website

Are you ready to build the clout? Visit their website to get started. www.clout.co

by: Rodrick Joseph

Satire

Newest iOS update to feature “anti-ghosting” software. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Apple, the security guru company, is introducing a brand new feature with the release of its next software update.  Currently, users are able to enable the option to be notified when someone reads their messages.  

Apple will now notify the recipient when the original sender is notified when the recipient reads the message.

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Once you have updated your phone.  Here are the steps to turn on/off the feature.

1. Launch your messages app.

2. Next, tap on the contact.

3. Tap the info button on the top right corner.

4. From here you’ll see the Send Read Read Receipts option. You can swipe right to turn on Read Read Receipts and Left to turn them off.

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What do you think of this new option?

Satire

The Epidemic of Sleep Selfie-ing (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Leading up to the 2000s sleepwalking was a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness. Sleepwalking is still common in 5% of children and 1.5% of adults. But a new sensation has risen in the 2010s and forward. Sleep Selfie-ing. It is an oddity that is happening all over the nation.

Ever since Apple released the first iPhone in 2007, reports of what millennials are calling Bedstagraming have exponentially skyrocketed.  Cases have been reported all over the U.S and mainly affect the 12-35 age range.  

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But sadly, people are not just taking pictures of themselves while they sleep, they are posting it to their social media after doing so.  Some, having the little mindfulness they possess, are even posting a caption with the photo.

We interviewed a real doctor to get his take on things.  Dr. Drake Ramoray of Chicago Lakeshore Hospital stated, “This isn’t a real disease, or illness, or whatever you want to call it, it’s just people faking it.”

Psychologist Amy Wojanowski also said, “People are just doing this for attention.  I would diagnose them with ‘Histrionic personality disorder’ which is a personality disorder in which an individual needs constant attention…… even while they fake sleeping

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Here you can conveniently see how the sleep-selfie-ing took place

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It even happened to Maria Carey

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Please, if you need help and think you are in serious danger. Visit this website to talk to a doctor and get a subscription.

Lowe’s Cancels Father’s Day 2019

by: Rodrick Joseph

Lowe’s to shut its doors before Father’s Day putting sons and daughters into turmoil.

The home improvement megamall franchise announced on Friday (June 7, 2019) that it will be closing its doors on Tuesday, June 11th, 2019. This comes at an extremely inconvenient time for kids seeking out gifts for their handyman fathers.

It was such an easy thing to buy for dad,” states Tammy Markovich of Oklahoma City.  “Father’s day and Lowe’s gift cards go together like milk and cookies.  What am I supposed to do now? Go buy a Home Depot gift card? I’d rather just give him a corny, Hallmark card.


Jerry Cannon, a father from Boston, said, “We canceled our father’s day celebration.  Every year I look for my kids to each give me a $50 gift card to Lowe’s. And I have 6 kids.  So every year after father’s day I have $300 in store credit to go upgrade my mower, or buy a new grill, or buy lumber just for the hell of it.”  

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Cannon later went on to say, “You think I let these kids come over to my house and eat MY food because I love them and enjoy being around them? Hell no.  It’s all for Lowe’s gift cards.”

The scramble has begun for kids trying to find gifts.  Some are buying Amazon gift cards, others are buying packs of AAA batteries, and some have been buying Nike basketball shoes, which we all know that the ultimate dad shoes are New Balance or Sketchers.

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It’s a week until Father’s Day.  We wish you all the best of luck in trying to fill this giant void in your Father’s day celebration.  Godspeed.

For more Father’s Day ideas other than Lowe’s gifts cards click here.

Satire. Lowe’s is not closing, go get your day what he really wants. A Lowe’s gift card.

Elon Musk develops automatic Zamboni machine for the NHL (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

In 2020 the NHL will rocket into the new generation as they introduce the Zambomatic.  Each NHL team will receive two Zambomatic’s to shave the ice in between periods. The SpaceX CEO was interview by the NY Times and was cited saying, “I put every project on hold and this is something we are incredibly excited to roll out.  The NHL reached out to us last year and we were able to put the Zambomatic together in a little over six months.

The Zambomatic is a Tesla model and has a three-phase, four-pole AC induction 416 hp (310 kW) and 443 ft-lb (601 Nm) rear-mounted electric motor with a copper rotor. (same as the 2012 Tesla Model S).  

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Some fans of the NHL are not happy about the monumental move. We interviewed a Quebec resident, Liam Macdonald, to see his opinion. Macdonald said, “I’m not happy with the NHL, eh. Us canucks want real men or women running these machines. It’s a national pastime, running that Boni machine, eh.

Amelia Tremblay, a Maine resident, was also unhappy with the move by the NHL saying, “Doesn’t the NHL know they are putting 62 people out of jobs? This is just as bad as Amazon phasing out cashiers!”

What are your thoughts? Innovative? Or controversy?

Satire

Joe Rogan to be first human to interview an alien on The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

After news of Navy pilots seeing UFO’s got out. (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/26/us/politics/ufo-sightings-navy-pilots.html) Word spread quickly throughout the entertainment industry and everyone wanted to get their hands on even the tiniest piece of information regarding UFOs.

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Well Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor, has supposedly been in contact with an extraterrestrial and will interview him on his podcast.

If you have listened to the UFC commentator’s podcast, you would know a lot of his content is focused around the universe, artificial intelligence, space, and other mind-blowing topics.  So, Rogan being the first content producer to have an interview with an alien seems perfect. Rogan regularly smokes pot on his show. Will the alien partake? Has this alien been studying human culture? Will it speak English? Spanish? Chinese?

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The Podcast will air on Friday, June 7th at 11:00 AM EST. 

Check out the rest of his podcast here: http://podcasts.joerogan.net/

Satire