The Epidemic of Sleep Selfie-ing (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Leading up to the 2000s sleepwalking was a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness. Sleepwalking is still common in 5% of children and 1.5% of adults. But a new sensation has risen in the 2010s and forward. Sleep Selfie-ing. It is an oddity that is happening all over the nation.

Ever since Apple released the first iPhone in 2007, reports of what millennials are calling Bedstagraming have exponentially skyrocketed.  Cases have been reported all over the U.S and mainly affect the 12-35 age range.  

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But sadly, people are not just taking pictures of themselves while they sleep, they are posting it to their social media after doing so.  Some, having the little mindfulness they possess, are even posting a caption with the photo.

We interviewed a real doctor to get his take on things.  Dr. Drake Ramoray of Chicago Lakeshore Hospital stated, “This isn’t a real disease, or illness, or whatever you want to call it, it’s just people faking it.”

Psychologist Amy Wojanowski also said, “People are just doing this for attention.  I would diagnose them with ‘Histrionic personality disorder’ which is a personality disorder in which an individual needs constant attention…… even while they fake sleeping

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Here you can conveniently see how the sleep-selfie-ing took place

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It even happened to Maria Carey

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Please, if you need help and think you are in serious danger. Visit this website to talk to a doctor and get a subscription.

Can you believe there are people in this world that don’t live their lives on social media? (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

I mean, when anything of importance in my life happens, I post it on Facebook to brag to the rest of the world. If I’m at a beautiful place, I post it on Instagram. And if it’s someone’s birthday, I have to wish them a happy birthday on Twitter with embarrassing pictures of them while their drunk. I just can’t believe there are people that are so selfish they keep their lives to themselves and are personal about things. Did it really happen unless it was on the internet for everyone to see? Are we really friends if we don’t post candid pictures of each other?

I know someone that actually calls people for their birthday’s. Are you kidding me? And did you know, that there are people that FaceTime their significant other and don’t post a screenshot on Facebook? Who the fuck are these private folks? We don’t live in 1999 anymore, we live in a world where everyone should know everyone else’s business. It’s our constitutional right to have complete and utter transparency.

I wish Trump would push laws like this through Congress. Forget health care, illegal immigration, and the legalization of marijuana, everyone should be required to post every significant event on social media. I want to know if you’re going to PF Chang’s to meet up with your high school friend that you haven’t seen in 20 years. Or, if you’re tired and are going to bed. Even if you undecided on whether or not to buy the Heinz ketchup or the store brand ketchup.

We deserve everything.

Satire