Clout Chasing company “clout co.” Opens Its Doors

LOS ANGELES – A brand new type of company is set to open its doors. clout co. will offer a variety of services to help potential influencers grow their image and social media accounts. Instead of asking your second cousin to snag you a backstage pass to a third rate SoundCloud rappers’ show, you can pay this company to clout your way to the top.

We got a chance to interview the CEO of clout co. to get a better perspective of the company’s goals. Mark Scam, from the bay area stated:

It’s hard out there for aspiring influencers to get the following they want. No one wants to take the time to do it either. At clout co. we take the chasing out of the process. We will associate our clients with big influences that are similar in demographic to allow the clout to grow. Tekashi 6ix9ine was our first successful client, and you see where he is now.

Below is their promotional poster.

clout co.’s promotional poster via their website

Are you ready to build the clout? Visit their website to get started. www.clout.co

by: Rodrick Joseph

Satire

Newest iOS update to feature “anti-ghosting” software. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Apple, the security guru company, is introducing a brand new feature with the release of its next software update.  Currently, users are able to enable the option to be notified when someone reads their messages.  

Apple will now notify the recipient when the original sender is notified when the recipient reads the message.

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Once you have updated your phone.  Here are the steps to turn on/off the feature.

1. Launch your messages app.

2. Next, tap on the contact.

3. Tap the info button on the top right corner.

4. From here you’ll see the Send Read Read Receipts option. You can swipe right to turn on Read Read Receipts and Left to turn them off.

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What do you think of this new option?

Satire

Want to Apply for a Cell Phone Belt Clip? Apply here.

by: Jake Ring

Ever wondered how handy dandy it is to have your cell phone on your belt?  No one likes lugging that thing around in pockets.  Pockets are for wallets, change, and car keys.  Having your phone attached to your belt also allows for quick and easy use when someone is calling you.

Fill out this form below to see if you qualify?

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfWsbyGjx3M2aHODRsxZ2OT_H3ojxLmFlcq5nlq8iFWyvQUHA/viewform

After you get approved and get your “Belt Clip Card” head on over to coolbeltclips.com and be on your way to looking cool in front of your kids friends.

Seasonal Sports Depression

by: Jake Ring

On Thursday night, the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship.  And as Kawhi Leonard hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy, I got an eerie feeling in my stomach.  Every year this time of year comes and every year it hits us sports fans right in the gut.  I’m talking about Seasonal Sports Depression.  This time period comes from the end of basketball (or hockey) to the beginning of football.  And is also called the “Dead Zone of Sports.”

Unless you are a die-hard baseball, NASCAR, or golf fan, you are not fond of these summer months.  Baseball sucks unless you are actually at the game or if its October. Golf sucks unless Tiger is contending (side note: golf is perfect for napping on Sundays, I will give it that). And NASCAR sucks unless you are piss drunk.

No more, “Hey, wanna catch the game at the bar?” Or, “come over for the game, I’m making buffalo chicken dip.” There is absolutely nothing to talk about with your co-workers at the water cooler.  Bar and restaurants play HGTV on their TVs. When you are trying to get drunk with your friends, you end up drinking more because there is nothing on TV.  It’s bad for everyone.

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Unless you have a girlfriend and/or a wife.  This is their favorite time of the year. Because now, you have no excuse to get out of doing things with her.  When she says, “My cousins-wives-sons gender reveal party is this weekend, we’re going.” You can’t answer with, “Nah, I can’t the [insert favorite teams name here] are playing”  You have to suck it up and go with her because you literally have no excuse. And when you have to go to her dads-cousins-sons-cousins random party, it would be bearable to be at if there is a game on.

The first sight of sports is not for another 83 days when the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers.  And don’t be that guy that says, “I watch every NFL preseason game.” Bullshit, buddy. Preseason games are less entertaining than the AAF games, and that says A LOT.

Luckily this year, we get to watch the USWNT kick the shit out of the rest of the world in soccer.  They are always fun to watch. (side note: They should get paid the same amount as the men, by the way, the men didn’t even make the World Cup last year. Fucking losers)

Good Luck on your 80+ days of no major sports

GodSpeed

Things to keep you from scraping your eyes out from boredom with no sports. In order from best to worst:

1. Follow NBA free agency

2. Follow the NBA draft

3. Watch Hard Knocks with the Oakland Raiders

4. Watch the NBA Summer League

5. Watch the Fortnite World Cup Championship

6. Watch the Women’s World Cup

7. Read my blog crewnecksandsnapbacks.com/blog

8. Watch the Big3 basketball tournament

9. Follow my twitter https://twitter.com/CrewNecksSnapb1

10. Drink a lot of alcohol

11. Don’t watch the WNBA

12. Become a stoner

13. Swim

14. Play with your dog

15. Cry

16. Work overtime hours

17. Watch paint dry

18. Give me money here

19. Arts and crafts

20.

21. Hang out with your significant other

Lowe’s Cancels Father’s Day 2019

by: Rodrick Joseph

Lowe’s to shut its doors before Father’s Day putting sons and daughters into turmoil.

The home improvement megamall franchise announced on Friday (June 7, 2019) that it will be closing its doors on Tuesday, June 11th, 2019. This comes at an extremely inconvenient time for kids seeking out gifts for their handyman fathers.

It was such an easy thing to buy for dad,” states Tammy Markovich of Oklahoma City.  “Father’s day and Lowe’s gift cards go together like milk and cookies.  What am I supposed to do now? Go buy a Home Depot gift card? I’d rather just give him a corny, Hallmark card.


Jerry Cannon, a father from Boston, said, “We canceled our father’s day celebration.  Every year I look for my kids to each give me a $50 gift card to Lowe’s. And I have 6 kids.  So every year after father’s day I have $300 in store credit to go upgrade my mower, or buy a new grill, or buy lumber just for the hell of it.”  

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Cannon later went on to say, “You think I let these kids come over to my house and eat MY food because I love them and enjoy being around them? Hell no.  It’s all for Lowe’s gift cards.”

The scramble has begun for kids trying to find gifts.  Some are buying Amazon gift cards, others are buying packs of AAA batteries, and some have been buying Nike basketball shoes, which we all know that the ultimate dad shoes are New Balance or Sketchers.

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It’s a week until Father’s Day.  We wish you all the best of luck in trying to fill this giant void in your Father’s day celebration.  Godspeed.

For more Father’s Day ideas other than Lowe’s gifts cards click here.

Satire. Lowe’s is not closing, go get your day what he really wants. A Lowe’s gift card.

Elon Musk develops automatic Zamboni machine for the NHL (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

In 2020 the NHL will rocket into the new generation as they introduce the Zambomatic.  Each NHL team will receive two Zambomatic’s to shave the ice in between periods. The SpaceX CEO was interview by the NY Times and was cited saying, “I put every project on hold and this is something we are incredibly excited to roll out.  The NHL reached out to us last year and we were able to put the Zambomatic together in a little over six months.

The Zambomatic is a Tesla model and has a three-phase, four-pole AC induction 416 hp (310 kW) and 443 ft-lb (601 Nm) rear-mounted electric motor with a copper rotor. (same as the 2012 Tesla Model S).  

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Some fans of the NHL are not happy about the monumental move. We interviewed a Quebec resident, Liam Macdonald, to see his opinion. Macdonald said, “I’m not happy with the NHL, eh. Us canucks want real men or women running these machines. It’s a national pastime, running that Boni machine, eh.

Amelia Tremblay, a Maine resident, was also unhappy with the move by the NHL saying, “Doesn’t the NHL know they are putting 62 people out of jobs? This is just as bad as Amazon phasing out cashiers!”

What are your thoughts? Innovative? Or controversy?

Satire

Joe Rogan to be first human to interview an alien on The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

After news of Navy pilots seeing UFO’s got out. (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/26/us/politics/ufo-sightings-navy-pilots.html) Word spread quickly throughout the entertainment industry and everyone wanted to get their hands on even the tiniest piece of information regarding UFOs.

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Well Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor, has supposedly been in contact with an extraterrestrial and will interview him on his podcast.

If you have listened to the UFC commentator’s podcast, you would know a lot of his content is focused around the universe, artificial intelligence, space, and other mind-blowing topics.  So, Rogan being the first content producer to have an interview with an alien seems perfect. Rogan regularly smokes pot on his show. Will the alien partake? Has this alien been studying human culture? Will it speak English? Spanish? Chinese?

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The Podcast will air on Friday, June 7th at 11:00 AM EST. 

Check out the rest of his podcast here: http://podcasts.joerogan.net/

Satire

News Headline in 2050: Atlanta Writer dies from unsubscribing from email ads. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Jan Rodgers was a writer for an Atlanta news station.  She spends most of her time on her computer, which can lead to the occasional online shopping frenzy.  Jan also checks her email frequently and noticed that her inbox was being overloaded with spam and ad emails. So, she took time out of her day to unsubscribe from Wal-Mart, Bed Bath & Beyond, PetCo, L’oreal, American Eagle, Sears, and even Victoria’s Secret.  Each time she’d unsubscribe, a message would tell her, “You have successfully unsubscribed from the Kohl’s Sale Alerts email list.” Jan then went about her day and did not check her email for the rest of the night.

The next day, Jan started her day off by drinking her usual cup of coffee with cream in her favorite Harry Potter Gryffindor coffee mug.  She logs on to her computer to check her email, expecting that her email won’t be filled with advertisements and spam email. She has 15 unread emails waiting for her.  Ten out of the fifteen emails were from the companies she just unsubscribed from. She quickly unsubscribed from the companies email list again and thought to herself, “Maybe it takes a couple of days to remove me from the list.

The next few weeks seemed to be a nightmare Jan couldn’t wake up from. It was a constant process of unsubscribing from emails. It seemed as if the emails were coming in more often than when she started the process.

6 weeks after her initial unsubscribing process, Jan had 1,200 unread emails and the majority of them were ads. Jan was losing her hair, putting on weight, and altogether not taking care of herself. The emails devoured her and her complete attention.

Finally, after going and seeing her psychologist, Jan decided to delete her email and get a fresh one.

After one day of the new email, the ads were back. Jan couldn’t handle it as she threw all her electronics into the nearby river.

Weeks later, Jan began obtaining more and more paper ads in the mail. And she was receiving telemarketing calls. It was never going to end for Jan.

She eventually sold her house. And retreated to the countryside to live the remainder of her days in the woods. Years went by as Jan was enjoying her ad-free life. But one day, as she is gathering wood for a fire, she sees a man walking through the woods. The man is wearing a white shirt, black tie, black dress pants, and glasses. Jan tries to avoid the man but he spots her and comes up to talk to her. He begins by saying, “Miss, Miss, are you alone.” Jan mumbles and says, “yes, please leave me alone.” The man quickly replies with, “have you heard of the good word?”

Jan drops to her knees and dies. The man rushed her to the hospital and the doctors concluded she died of running from ads.  A common death in 2050

Don’t unsubscribe from emails. It will kill you.

​Satire.

Brave college student survives 4 years of classes without putting a single sticker on his Laptop. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Chad Rosier recently graduated The Ohio State University while not putting a single sticker on his laptop.  No sticker to cover up the Apple logo, no sticker that shows his political party, no sticker to show his favorite Netflix series, no “Keep Calm and ….” sticker, and no sticker that shows what school he was attending.  Very seldom is a student able to survive that long without surrendering to sticker life.

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We interviewed Chad to see how he was able to ride out the burden of keeping a naked laptop.

Chad said, “I’ve had a lot of pressure from orientation all the way to graduation.  Stickers were handed out to me for free at a lot of events, but I kept true to my word that I would never give in to the college norm of hammering stickers on my laptop.”  

We asked him, “Why are you doing this? Are you trying to raise awareness for something?” Chad’s response, “No. I just didn’t want 15-cent stickers on my laptop that cost me thousands of dollars.

We salute you Chad for your courageous act.

Satire