The Worst People on Twitter

Below are the people who taint Twitter and make it unbearable at times. No certain order because they all equally suck.

The people that don’t understand satire/jokes

These dumbasses are probably the most common of the people on this list. If you follow any comedian or satirical blogger then you understand my pain when you read through the thread of a comedian’s tweet and see the utter stupidity of people who intake the same oxygen as you.

I mean, come the fuck on. The man’s name is DICK TATOR, yeah DICK fucking TATOR. Any person with the slightest common sense would look at this and think, “oh thats not real, must be a joke.” But nope, there are people that jump to conclusions like a crackhead doing backflips in the streets for money

360 dumbass people liked this. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY.

My God. My advice to anyone new to the internet. READ INTO EVERYTHING. DON’T JUST READ HEADLINES AND TITLES. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS.

The “I won the lottery and I’m giving it all away” people

Yeah, because the first thing I would do if I won the lottery is go on Twitter and give money away to complete strangers. Okay, bruh.

The people that say “if -so and so- does this, then I’ll give everyone who retweets this $XX” people

“Make sure to follow me so I can DM for your PayPal info” I can’t believe people actually fall for this bullshit. Watch, some rich person is actually going to do this and be true to their word and I’m going to be biting my fists.

Even potential Presidential candidates are doing it. This is 2019 y’all….

You do not have my vote, clout chaser. But I will retweet this just to see if you’re a man of your word.

The “Well actually” people

This guy hits every stereotype for a “Well actually…” guy tweet.

  • a meme as a profile pic
  • no actual name associated with the account
  • narcissistic
  • “insanely rich”
  • Too much to say in a single tweet

Trolls

These people sort of tie into the last one. But internet trolls are everyone’s number one hated thing on the internet. The saying “it’s easy to talk that way behind a keyboard” speaks an insane amount of truth. I don’t even need to show an example of this one because there are numerous kinds of trolls.

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The “I only travel to show off” people

Fuck off. Do you even work? How can you afford all this shit? And your wearing strictly Patagonia?!?! WTF?

I don’t necessarily blame these people for posting this stuff and showing off where they have been. Just be considerant of us peasants you are showing this too making us hate you because we ain’t you

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Perhaps this blog should be called “I hate Twitter” but I fucking love Twitter. It’s my daily newspaper and I get all kinds of entertainment from it. It just sucks to see this kind of behavior clog up my feed from viewing good content. I guess it’s just the world we live in, in 2019.

Maybe one of those rich programmers, Mulan Zusk, will make an app that blocks out all of this shit I’m talking about. But noooooo. We’re more concerned about going to Mars, and ~clean energy~, and robots that are horrifyingly human like, and cleaning up the Earth. Yawn. Why don’t we focus on our real problems like blocking internet trolls and educating people to understand sarcasm?

……that was sarcasm, by the way… Save the Turtles.

Did I miss out on anyone you hate seeing? Leave a comment below! Follow the blog for more content! And follow us on our social media!

by: Jake Ring

NBA makes an agreement with Nike to make unburnable jersey’s for the 2020 season.

NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, has had enough of fans burning players jerseys.  “I fucking hate it. It’s a disgrace to the League, the to players, and to the player’s former team.”  The internet trend of burning jerseys started when LeBron James made his “Decision” to take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat.  Cleveland Cavaliers fans burned his #23 jersey in displeasure of James’s move.

Kevin Durant also received the same hate when he decided to join the 73-9 Warriors making the NBA completely unwatchable and boring. (This one’s well deserved)

To kill this trend, Silver has made an agreement with Nike and Fanatics to sell “unburnable” jerseys. Jersey’s put on the market will now have a special fabric used by firefighters that is able to withstand intense heat for hours at a time. Because of this special fabric, jersey’s will now run for $400 each.

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Silver hopes that this will limit the amount of hate some players receive when they make a move to another team.

So next time you’re favorite player decides to sign elsewhere, be happy for the guy that’s doing something to better himself instead of being a narcissistic asshole and burning that $120 jersey you bought last year for your kid so you can get 5 retweets on your lame meme account.

Satire

By: Rodrick Joseph

Who Says No?

The Los Angeles Lakers have a golden opportunity to acquire 4 top tier talents this summer. The four big “K’s” Kevin Durant, Kawhi Leonard, Kyrie Irving, and Klay Thompson would come to LA in the biggest blockbuster trade in the history of sports. Danny Ainge and the Celtics get another young talent, Kyle Kuzma, to replace their already departing point guard, Kyrie. The Warriors get powerhouse big-man and World Champion JaVale McGee. And the Raptors get convict, Kentavius Caldwell-Pope and Reggie Bullock for rent-a-player, Kawhi Leonard. These four are all leaving, just the fact that each team gets SOMETHING out of them leaving, should make them happy.

Just imagine having the starting five of Kyrie, Kawhi, LeBron, KD, and AD with Klay Thompson as the sixth man. There’s 5+ years of championship caliber basketball back in the Staples center. Each of the starters can take turns in winning the MVP each year. Klay would win the Sixth Man of the Year award EVERY year. It’s a no-brainer for each clubhouse.

Obviously this doesn’t happen. But a man can dream, right?

Clout Chasing company “clout co.” Opens Its Doors

LOS ANGELES – A brand new type of company is set to open its doors. clout co. will offer a variety of services to help potential influencers grow their image and social media accounts. Instead of asking your second cousin to snag you a backstage pass to a third rate SoundCloud rappers’ show, you can pay this company to clout your way to the top.

We got a chance to interview the CEO of clout co. to get a better perspective of the company’s goals. Mark Scam, from the bay area stated:

It’s hard out there for aspiring influencers to get the following they want. No one wants to take the time to do it either. At clout co. we take the chasing out of the process. We will associate our clients with big influences that are similar in demographic to allow the clout to grow. Tekashi 6ix9ine was our first successful client, and you see where he is now.

Below is their promotional poster.

clout co.’s promotional poster via their website

Are you ready to build the clout? Visit their website to get started. www.clout.co

by: Rodrick Joseph

Satire

Newest iOS update to feature “anti-ghosting” software. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Apple, the security guru company, is introducing a brand new feature with the release of its next software update.  Currently, users are able to enable the option to be notified when someone reads their messages.  

Apple will now notify the recipient when the original sender is notified when the recipient reads the message.

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Once you have updated your phone.  Here are the steps to turn on/off the feature.

1. Launch your messages app.

2. Next, tap on the contact.

3. Tap the info button on the top right corner.

4. From here you’ll see the Send Read Read Receipts option. You can swipe right to turn on Read Read Receipts and Left to turn them off.

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What do you think of this new option?

Satire

Seasonal Sports Depression

by: Jake Ring

On Thursday night, the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship.  And as Kawhi Leonard hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy, I got an eerie feeling in my stomach.  Every year this time of year comes and every year it hits us sports fans right in the gut.  I’m talking about Seasonal Sports Depression.  This time period comes from the end of basketball (or hockey) to the beginning of football.  And is also called the “Dead Zone of Sports.”

Unless you are a die-hard baseball, NASCAR, or golf fan, you are not fond of these summer months.  Baseball sucks unless you are actually at the game or if its October. Golf sucks unless Tiger is contending (side note: golf is perfect for napping on Sundays, I will give it that). And NASCAR sucks unless you are piss drunk.

No more, “Hey, wanna catch the game at the bar?” Or, “come over for the game, I’m making buffalo chicken dip.” There is absolutely nothing to talk about with your co-workers at the water cooler.  Bar and restaurants play HGTV on their TVs. When you are trying to get drunk with your friends, you end up drinking more because there is nothing on TV.  It’s bad for everyone.

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Unless you have a girlfriend and/or a wife.  This is their favorite time of the year. Because now, you have no excuse to get out of doing things with her.  When she says, “My cousins-wives-sons gender reveal party is this weekend, we’re going.” You can’t answer with, “Nah, I can’t the [insert favorite teams name here] are playing”  You have to suck it up and go with her because you literally have no excuse. And when you have to go to her dads-cousins-sons-cousins random party, it would be bearable to be at if there is a game on.

The first sight of sports is not for another 83 days when the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers.  And don’t be that guy that says, “I watch every NFL preseason game.” Bullshit, buddy. Preseason games are less entertaining than the AAF games, and that says A LOT.

Luckily this year, we get to watch the USWNT kick the shit out of the rest of the world in soccer.  They are always fun to watch. (side note: They should get paid the same amount as the men, by the way, the men didn’t even make the World Cup last year. Fucking losers)

Good Luck on your 80+ days of no major sports

GodSpeed

Things to keep you from scraping your eyes out from boredom with no sports. In order from best to worst:

1. Follow NBA free agency

2. Follow the NBA draft

3. Watch Hard Knocks with the Oakland Raiders

4. Watch the NBA Summer League

5. Watch the Fortnite World Cup Championship

6. Watch the Women’s World Cup

7. Read my blog crewnecksandsnapbacks.com/blog

8. Watch the Big3 basketball tournament

9. Follow my twitter https://twitter.com/CrewNecksSnapb1

10. Drink a lot of alcohol

11. Don’t watch the WNBA

12. Become a stoner

13. Swim

14. Play with your dog

15. Cry

16. Work overtime hours

17. Watch paint dry

18. Give me money here

19. Arts and crafts

20.

21. Hang out with your significant other

The Epidemic of Sleep Selfie-ing (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Leading up to the 2000s sleepwalking was a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness. Sleepwalking is still common in 5% of children and 1.5% of adults. But a new sensation has risen in the 2010s and forward. Sleep Selfie-ing. It is an oddity that is happening all over the nation.

Ever since Apple released the first iPhone in 2007, reports of what millennials are calling Bedstagraming have exponentially skyrocketed.  Cases have been reported all over the U.S and mainly affect the 12-35 age range.  

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But sadly, people are not just taking pictures of themselves while they sleep, they are posting it to their social media after doing so.  Some, having the little mindfulness they possess, are even posting a caption with the photo.

We interviewed a real doctor to get his take on things.  Dr. Drake Ramoray of Chicago Lakeshore Hospital stated, “This isn’t a real disease, or illness, or whatever you want to call it, it’s just people faking it.”

Psychologist Amy Wojanowski also said, “People are just doing this for attention.  I would diagnose them with ‘Histrionic personality disorder’ which is a personality disorder in which an individual needs constant attention…… even while they fake sleeping

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Here you can conveniently see how the sleep-selfie-ing took place

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It even happened to Maria Carey

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Please, if you need help and think you are in serious danger. Visit this website to talk to a doctor and get a subscription.

Lowe’s Cancels Father’s Day 2019

by: Rodrick Joseph

Lowe’s to shut its doors before Father’s Day putting sons and daughters into turmoil.

The home improvement megamall franchise announced on Friday (June 7, 2019) that it will be closing its doors on Tuesday, June 11th, 2019. This comes at an extremely inconvenient time for kids seeking out gifts for their handyman fathers.

It was such an easy thing to buy for dad,” states Tammy Markovich of Oklahoma City.  “Father’s day and Lowe’s gift cards go together like milk and cookies.  What am I supposed to do now? Go buy a Home Depot gift card? I’d rather just give him a corny, Hallmark card.


Jerry Cannon, a father from Boston, said, “We canceled our father’s day celebration.  Every year I look for my kids to each give me a $50 gift card to Lowe’s. And I have 6 kids.  So every year after father’s day I have $300 in store credit to go upgrade my mower, or buy a new grill, or buy lumber just for the hell of it.”  

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Cannon later went on to say, “You think I let these kids come over to my house and eat MY food because I love them and enjoy being around them? Hell no.  It’s all for Lowe’s gift cards.”

The scramble has begun for kids trying to find gifts.  Some are buying Amazon gift cards, others are buying packs of AAA batteries, and some have been buying Nike basketball shoes, which we all know that the ultimate dad shoes are New Balance or Sketchers.

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It’s a week until Father’s Day.  We wish you all the best of luck in trying to fill this giant void in your Father’s day celebration.  Godspeed.

For more Father’s Day ideas other than Lowe’s gifts cards click here.

Satire. Lowe’s is not closing, go get your day what he really wants. A Lowe’s gift card.

Elon Musk develops automatic Zamboni machine for the NHL (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

In 2020 the NHL will rocket into the new generation as they introduce the Zambomatic.  Each NHL team will receive two Zambomatic’s to shave the ice in between periods. The SpaceX CEO was interview by the NY Times and was cited saying, “I put every project on hold and this is something we are incredibly excited to roll out.  The NHL reached out to us last year and we were able to put the Zambomatic together in a little over six months.

The Zambomatic is a Tesla model and has a three-phase, four-pole AC induction 416 hp (310 kW) and 443 ft-lb (601 Nm) rear-mounted electric motor with a copper rotor. (same as the 2012 Tesla Model S).  

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Some fans of the NHL are not happy about the monumental move. We interviewed a Quebec resident, Liam Macdonald, to see his opinion. Macdonald said, “I’m not happy with the NHL, eh. Us canucks want real men or women running these machines. It’s a national pastime, running that Boni machine, eh.

Amelia Tremblay, a Maine resident, was also unhappy with the move by the NHL saying, “Doesn’t the NHL know they are putting 62 people out of jobs? This is just as bad as Amazon phasing out cashiers!”

What are your thoughts? Innovative? Or controversy?

Satire