NBA makes an agreement with Nike to make unburnable jersey’s for the 2020 season.

NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, has had enough of fans burning players jerseys.  “I fucking hate it. It’s a disgrace to the League, the to players, and to the player’s former team.”  The internet trend of burning jerseys started when LeBron James made his “Decision” to take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat.  Cleveland Cavaliers fans burned his #23 jersey in displeasure of James’s move.

Kevin Durant also received the same hate when he decided to join the 73-9 Warriors making the NBA completely unwatchable and boring. (This one’s well deserved)

To kill this trend, Silver has made an agreement with Nike and Fanatics to sell “unburnable” jerseys. Jersey’s put on the market will now have a special fabric used by firefighters that is able to withstand intense heat for hours at a time. Because of this special fabric, jersey’s will now run for $400 each.

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Silver hopes that this will limit the amount of hate some players receive when they make a move to another team.

So next time you’re favorite player decides to sign elsewhere, be happy for the guy that’s doing something to better himself instead of being a narcissistic asshole and burning that $120 jersey you bought last year for your kid so you can get 5 retweets on your lame meme account.

Satire

By: Rodrick Joseph

ESPN NBA Trade Machine Fun

I decided to have some fun with the NBA trade machine today. I am convinced that ESPN either turned on the “Force Trade” option like you do when your 6 and build you dream team on 2K or they just said fuck it and declared anarchy. The NBA would lose their shit if any of these trades actually went through, but it is entertainment.

Side note: the ESPN Trade Machine is only thing good at ESPN anymore. This is coming from someone who used to watch SportsCenter 4 times in one day while on summer vacation from school.

By: Jake Ring

Who Says No?

The Los Angeles Lakers have a golden opportunity to acquire 4 top tier talents this summer. The four big “K’s” Kevin Durant, Kawhi Leonard, Kyrie Irving, and Klay Thompson would come to LA in the biggest blockbuster trade in the history of sports. Danny Ainge and the Celtics get another young talent, Kyle Kuzma, to replace their already departing point guard, Kyrie. The Warriors get powerhouse big-man and World Champion JaVale McGee. And the Raptors get convict, Kentavius Caldwell-Pope and Reggie Bullock for rent-a-player, Kawhi Leonard. These four are all leaving, just the fact that each team gets SOMETHING out of them leaving, should make them happy.

Just imagine having the starting five of Kyrie, Kawhi, LeBron, KD, and AD with Klay Thompson as the sixth man. There’s 5+ years of championship caliber basketball back in the Staples center. Each of the starters can take turns in winning the MVP each year. Klay would win the Sixth Man of the Year award EVERY year. It’s a no-brainer for each clubhouse.

Obviously this doesn’t happen. But a man can dream, right?

Seasonal Sports Depression

by: Jake Ring

On Thursday night, the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship.  And as Kawhi Leonard hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy, I got an eerie feeling in my stomach.  Every year this time of year comes and every year it hits us sports fans right in the gut.  I’m talking about Seasonal Sports Depression.  This time period comes from the end of basketball (or hockey) to the beginning of football.  And is also called the “Dead Zone of Sports.”

Unless you are a die-hard baseball, NASCAR, or golf fan, you are not fond of these summer months.  Baseball sucks unless you are actually at the game or if its October. Golf sucks unless Tiger is contending (side note: golf is perfect for napping on Sundays, I will give it that). And NASCAR sucks unless you are piss drunk.

No more, “Hey, wanna catch the game at the bar?” Or, “come over for the game, I’m making buffalo chicken dip.” There is absolutely nothing to talk about with your co-workers at the water cooler.  Bar and restaurants play HGTV on their TVs. When you are trying to get drunk with your friends, you end up drinking more because there is nothing on TV.  It’s bad for everyone.

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Unless you have a girlfriend and/or a wife.  This is their favorite time of the year. Because now, you have no excuse to get out of doing things with her.  When she says, “My cousins-wives-sons gender reveal party is this weekend, we’re going.” You can’t answer with, “Nah, I can’t the [insert favorite teams name here] are playing”  You have to suck it up and go with her because you literally have no excuse. And when you have to go to her dads-cousins-sons-cousins random party, it would be bearable to be at if there is a game on.

The first sight of sports is not for another 83 days when the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers.  And don’t be that guy that says, “I watch every NFL preseason game.” Bullshit, buddy. Preseason games are less entertaining than the AAF games, and that says A LOT.

Luckily this year, we get to watch the USWNT kick the shit out of the rest of the world in soccer.  They are always fun to watch. (side note: They should get paid the same amount as the men, by the way, the men didn’t even make the World Cup last year. Fucking losers)

Good Luck on your 80+ days of no major sports

GodSpeed

Things to keep you from scraping your eyes out from boredom with no sports. In order from best to worst:

1. Follow NBA free agency

2. Follow the NBA draft

3. Watch Hard Knocks with the Oakland Raiders

4. Watch the NBA Summer League

5. Watch the Fortnite World Cup Championship

6. Watch the Women’s World Cup

7. Read my blog crewnecksandsnapbacks.com/blog

8. Watch the Big3 basketball tournament

9. Follow my twitter https://twitter.com/CrewNecksSnapb1

10. Drink a lot of alcohol

11. Don’t watch the WNBA

12. Become a stoner

13. Swim

14. Play with your dog

15. Cry

16. Work overtime hours

17. Watch paint dry

18. Give me money here

19. Arts and crafts

20.

21. Hang out with your significant other

Which NFL Quarterback would chug a beer the fastest?

by: Jake Ring

5. Jared Goff

Goff is no stranger when it comes to pounding brews.  Back in 2017, Goff got his entire O-line Yeti Beer coolers for Christmas.  You think he got all those coolers just so those big linemen could use them at their family barbeque? No. Goff knew damn well those coolers would come in handy while they were out partying in California.  

4. Ben Roethlisberger

I mean, look a the guy.  He’s a beer drinking just by his image and his ultimate dad bod.  I’ve heard stories that this guy would go to a ski lodge in Pennsylvania and just get hammered at the lodge.  In 2017, “Big” Ben used a very particular catchy beer slogan when he was calling an audible. Dilly mother fucking Dilly.

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3. Baker Mayfield

Dude’s 24-years-old, plays in CLEVELAND, got arrested in college while drunk and is an incredible dancer.  If those four facts don’t SCREAM beer drinker than I don’t know what does. While in college Baker was seen at a Clippers game “crushing beer” according to TMZ.

https://www.tmz.com/2018/01/03/baker-mayfield-crushes-beers-at-clippers-game-with-hot-girlfriend/

Baker also just reminds me of that guy at the party that is always drunk but you have no idea.  

Guy at a party: Baker how many have you had tonight?

Baker: “Tonight?” **let’s out loud burp for 3 seconds** “I don’t know I started the morning with a 30 rack of Busch and since then I’ve switched over to 24 ounce Twister Teas.   Pretty chill night.”

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2. Matthew Stafford

Matt is the whole reason I wrote this article.  If you have been dead for the past 2 days I’ll explain the situation.  During game 5 of the Bucks and Raptors series, David Bakhtiari was shown pounding beers in seconds, and I mean microseconds.  The camera then went over to Aaron Rodgers (who would be 32nd on this list), as he choked down 3 sips of beer. @BarstoolNate then posted this video of Matthew Stafford

Putting the highest paid player in the NFL in a fucking body bag.  Good for you Matt, money can’t buy happiness, but chugging beer can.

1.  Tom Brady

He’s the GOAT.  No other way around it.  The man has six super bowls, a smokeshow of a wife and a beautiful technique of playing the game of football…..and chugging beer.  Tom went on Stephen Colbert and killed the fucking game.  Keep in mind this guy barely drinks beer, so he is “straight off the couch” in boxing terms.

I mean it was one gulp.  “I was pretty good beer chugger back in the day.”  

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But can’t we all just agree that Tom is the GOAT of every category when it comes to NFL QB’s; knowledge of the game, most super bowl wins, quick release time, beer chugging.

A Letter to Sergei Bobrovsky, Artemi Panarin, and Matt Duchene From The State of Ohio

by: Jake Ring

Dear Sergei Bobrovsky, Artemi Panarin, and Matt Duchene:

Below I have listed why you guys should stay on the Columbus Blue Jackets.  I hope this reaches you.

1.   This is YOUR team

You can go to another team.  You can play for teams that have won the cup before.  But if you stay in Columbus, and win a cup, you are automatically granted GOAT status for the Blue Jackets.  You could be a part of history, winning a franchises’ first Stanley Cup, rather than winning a cup for a team that has already won one.

2.   This City LOVES you

10,000 people filled Nationwide for a watch party while you guys played in Boston for Game 5.  That’s unheard of. Nationwide sold out for every game of the playoffs. The fans barely sat down during every game. Records were broke in attendance and local television. CBJ! CBJ! CBJ! The fans in Columbus are extremely loyal to this team and are proud of the efforts the players put forward for the city and the state.  I see Bobrovsky jerseys more than I see any other jersey.  Everyone in Columbus was rooting for the Jackets, and I mean everyone. 

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3.    FREE Vodka

Free Vodka, FOR LIFE.  this one is pretty self-evident. Via the High Bank Distillery.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nhl/jackets/2019/01/09/blue-jackets-artemi-panarin-lifetime-vodka-offer-restaurant-billboard/2529026002/

4.    Unfinished Business

CBJ has made the playoffs 3 out of the last 4 years, and they have made it farther each year, putting on stronger and stronger showings.  With you three staying, and all the young talent getting this valuable experience, it’s only a matter of time until you have a chance at the Cup. This IS a good team.  That Boston team was beatable. Puck luck was on their side for the last three games. This will change.

5.    The Blue Jackets Organization did not give up on you.

They could have traded you.  They could have benched you for replacements.  But they didn’t. They want you to stay. They believe in you and what you can bring to this organization.  They (and us) are your #1 fans.

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Whatever you three decide to do, that is your decision and we will respect your decision.  We thank you for what you have done for us and hope you decide to stay.

We may not be the biggest market,  but damn we have the most love for all three of you and the rest of the Columbus Blue Jacket players!

Sincerely,

The State of Ohio

The Generation of Tiger Woods

by: Cam Wheeler

The Tiger Woods generation was graciously blessed this past Sunday as Tiger Woods walked up to the 18th hole of Augusta and bogeyed his way to the victory at The Masters. That red and black Nike wearing son of a bitch finally resurrected from his 11-year hiatus. I was born in 1994 and us “millennials” grew up idolizing this guy that revolutionized the sport of Golf.

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I don’t need to explain to you how Tiger blew up, that’s old news. But I will explain how we fell in love with a legend. First off, his name is Tiger, that’s so fucking dope. Second, he was young and dominating the sport. My generation also grew up on video games, and specifically, Tiger Woods PGA Tour. I used to play this game for hours with my brother in our basement, as I’m sure you did too.  This game has not been the same since they took Tiger’s name off the game, it’s a D+ game at best, now. To build on his popularity, he was in the same conversations as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant with Nike. Still highly popular, Nike appeals to us millennials. And in the “Mount Rushmore of Sports”, Tiger was always a guarantee to make this list (still is in my opinion). Tiger made golf so cool and is the reason why some people our age even play the sport of golf (or Happy Gilmore).  Red on Sunday’s, fist pumps, and getting angry after a bad hit, we took away so much from this guy.

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After that night we heard about in November of 2009, then arrests, injuries, and other news headlines, everyone counted out this man, except one group of people, millennials. Stay true to yourself y’all, Sunday was a victory.