The University of Michigan enrolls student based on Retweets

The U of M announced on Wednesday morning that they will be taking requests from potential students via Twitter.

Chad Bizwell (@CBizwell) was one of the first students to ask the university for admission.

All Chad has to do is ask the internet world to retweet his tweet and Chad will be enrolled in a prestigious university. Chad quickly went to Twitter to get out his tweet.

People’s magazine did an interview with Chad.

All I did was hit the “tweet” button and the internet did the rest. College is going to be a cake walk.

Chad Bizwell when asked how he was able to pull of 10K retweets

And just like that, Chad was given admission to college. No admission process, no ACT or SAT requirement, no essay about human rights, no twenty-page admission form to fill out, no waiting 4 months after submission.  Just tweeting out less than 280 characters and sitting on his ass waiting for the internet to do his job for him. People want to call Millennials lazy, you wait until generation X sheds their light on the world.

Fortnite World Cup Champion “Bugha” spends his entire $3 million paycheck on V-bucks

It just goes to show you that young kids cannot take on the pressure of barrels full of money. Kyle Giersdorf, 16, (screen name, “Bugha”), won the Fornite World Cup this past weekend in which he took home a whopping $3 million.

To put some perspective on his winnings. Kyle brought home more money than the Wimbledon champion, the Masters winner, and the PGA winner.

Image result for espn bugha

One would think, “I wonder what I would do with three million dollars?” Buy a car. Buy a house. Use it for college. Get out of debt. Buy a boat. But nope, 16-year old Giersdorf took his entire payout and spent it on V-bucks, which is Fortnite’s in-game currency. This gave Bugha $405,000,000 in V-bucks money. Kyle bought every cosmetic item he could in the first 5 minutes of having the near unlimited V-bucks but the Fortnite In-Game Store resets every day at 8:00 PM EST, limiting his buying opportunities.

We asked Kyle, why would you do this? He states, “Fortnite has given me so much from money to fame and recognition, and why not thank them by giving all my winnings back to the game that produced me?” “I also plan on gifting all my subscribers, friends, and followers cosmetics as I can.” At least his heart is in the right place, unlike his brain.

Kyle’s parents declined to interview as they have not been able to talk since their son made the V-bucks purchase.

This is complete and utter Satire. Please Kyle, do not do anything stupid with that money. You deserve every penny of it.

New Cereal Restaurant “Boats and Oats” to open its doors in Columbus, OH

Picture this. You wake up on a Saturday morning hungover as fuck. After your half-hour-long sit on the toilet, you go downstairs, open up the fridge, and the only thing in there is a half drank FOUR LOKO and two-week-old left-over Olive Garden. But fuck, you’re hungry. And your not an eggs and pancakes breakfast person. You want that sweet, crunchy bowl of your favorite cereal. At that point it’s a pain in the ass to go to the store, seek out your cereal and milk, go wait in line for 10 minutes while Grandma uses the self-check-out for the first time, then get back to your house with no clean bowls because you’re a lazy piece of shit and forgot to pick up detergent and dish soap. Instead, you could go to a restaurant that serves your favorite cereal.

Image result for cereal

Boats and Oats will be a cereal based restaurant in Columbus, Ohio featuring a new set of cereal choices every week.

We got a chance to sit down with Samuel Gnarly, owner of Boat’s & Oat’s, and get to know a little bit more about his fresh, new idea.

“We just really like cereal and we want to give people an opportunity to enjoy their favorite bowls outside of their own kitchen. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery, or what we like to say scerealny” – Sam Gnarly

Below is a sample of what Sam and his team are prepared to offer.

For everyone ages 16-29 this is perfect for your Saturday and Sunday mornings. Sam has even bounced around the idea to offer alcohol such as Bloody Mary’s and mimosa’s to get your brunch on.

“If you’re like me, you want to be a little buzzed while eating your cereal.” – SG

So now instead of having the hassle of bringing the cereal to you, you can go to it and not have to worry about dirty dishes and slow ass Grandma.

Boat’s and Oat’s is set to open September 1, 2019. Check out their website here: boatsandoats.com

Satire. But someone please make this happen!

John Wick Series to move on from Keanu Reeves in John Wick 4

Summit Entertainment, the creators of the John Wick series, have decided to go another route for the next chapter in the John Wick franchise.  To connect with younger audiences, the creators of the blockbuster saga have decided to partner with Epic Games and film the entire movie in Fortnite: Battle Royale.  “Every shot in the movie will be from the island of Fortnite BR,” states Sal Dawn, the director of the movie. “This animation will cut back on expenses from the CGI budget and allow more money for story development, casting, and other aspects for the movie.”

Image result for reaper skin fortnite
The Reaper skin was given to players who reached Tier 100 in the Season 3 battle pass.

The Reaper skin (above) will be used to portray Mr. Wick. This skin is commonly referred to as the “John Wick skin” by players of the game. Keanu Reeves will still voice the character but ultimately will not be performing his out stunts.

We asked the director of John Wick 4 why they decided to go this route. Sal Dawn stated, “After three live action films with Keanu we thought we would give him a break from all the violence and let him sit behind a microphone for a change.”

We went on to ask, “Why aren’t you using the actual John Wick skin instead of the Reaper skin?”

Image result for reaper skin fortnite

Dawn replied saying, “Most of the players consider the Reaper skin as the real John Wick skin and we thought this would sell better to the younger audiences.”

We also asked some Twitch streamers what their thoughts were of the move to anime. Ninja said, “I think its a homerun. What could go wrong?” Timthetatman added, “Ya, Yeet!”

Some streamers had negative thoughts although, Tfue said, “Why the f*** would they do this too us? First they add the Drum Gun back in and now they lay this load of publicity stunt, b******t on us? F*** Epic (Games).” Nickmercs also said, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

John Wick already has a home in Fortnite BR. Since the release of Season 9, players have been able to roam his house and find his loot underneath the concrete in his basement

Image result for john wick house in fortnite
Image result for john wick house in fortnite

Casting for the female counterpart has begun with early contenders such as Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Lawrence.

Image result for female john wick skin
Image result for black widow fortnite
Scarlett Johansson has already made a splash in the Fortnite universe with her “Black Widow” skin from Avengers.

What are your thoughts? Mistake or Great idea?

Satire. Please don’t do this, Summit, we love Keanu and would hate it if this actually happened.

Lakers Fans: Forget Kawhi, Matthew Dellavedova is the hero you need.

Since June 30th at 6PM, all Lakers fans have dreamed about seeing Kawhi Leonard suit up in the Purple and Gold and play along side LeBron James and Anthony Davis. Every Lakers fan has Adrian Wojnarowski tweet alerts turned on right now, waiting for the moment Woj, bombs us with the Kawhi news.

Image result for matthew dellavedova lakers

I’m here to tell you that the Lakers do not need Kawhi Leonard to win the 2020 NBA Championship. They need Matthew Dellavedova. The Curry Killer. Delly is the elite back-court defender the Lakers need to contend with the Western Conference guards. With guards such as Lilliard, Westbrook, Conley, Harden, CP3, and many more, the Lakers HAVE to have this asset.

Jeanie Buss, Rob Pelinka, and LeBron James’s camp need to put Kawhi aside and focus on Delly. I guarantee if the Lakers were to sign Delly, they would hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy next year.

“Because he’s the hero Los Angeles deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.”

This is completely satire. I hope the Lakers are able to pull off getting the Klaw, for LeBron’s legacy’s sake. On a real note, I do think Delly would be a great fit for the team as a role player no matter if they get Kawhi or not.

NBA makes an agreement with Nike to make unburnable jersey’s for the 2020 season.

NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, has had enough of fans burning players jerseys.  “I fucking hate it. It’s a disgrace to the League, the to players, and to the player’s former team.”  The internet trend of burning jerseys started when LeBron James made his “Decision” to take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat.  Cleveland Cavaliers fans burned his #23 jersey in displeasure of James’s move.

Kevin Durant also received the same hate when he decided to join the 73-9 Warriors making the NBA completely unwatchable and boring. (This one’s well deserved)

To kill this trend, Silver has made an agreement with Nike and Fanatics to sell “unburnable” jerseys. Jersey’s put on the market will now have a special fabric used by firefighters that is able to withstand intense heat for hours at a time. Because of this special fabric, jersey’s will now run for $400 each.

Image result for nike jersey science

Silver hopes that this will limit the amount of hate some players receive when they make a move to another team.

So next time you’re favorite player decides to sign elsewhere, be happy for the guy that’s doing something to better himself instead of being a narcissistic asshole and burning that $120 jersey you bought last year for your kid so you can get 5 retweets on your lame meme account.

Satire

By: Rodrick Joseph

Clout Chasing company “clout co.” Opens Its Doors

LOS ANGELES – A brand new type of company is set to open its doors. clout co. will offer a variety of services to help potential influencers grow their image and social media accounts. Instead of asking your second cousin to snag you a backstage pass to a third rate SoundCloud rappers’ show, you can pay this company to clout your way to the top.

We got a chance to interview the CEO of clout co. to get a better perspective of the company’s goals. Mark Scam, from the bay area stated:

It’s hard out there for aspiring influencers to get the following they want. No one wants to take the time to do it either. At clout co. we take the chasing out of the process. We will associate our clients with big influences that are similar in demographic to allow the clout to grow. Tekashi 6ix9ine was our first successful client, and you see where he is now.

Below is their promotional poster.

clout co.’s promotional poster via their website

Are you ready to build the clout? Visit their website to get started. www.clout.co

by: Rodrick Joseph

Satire

Newest iOS update to feature “anti-ghosting” software. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Apple, the security guru company, is introducing a brand new feature with the release of its next software update.  Currently, users are able to enable the option to be notified when someone reads their messages.  

Apple will now notify the recipient when the original sender is notified when the recipient reads the message.

New-Project-(2).jpg

Once you have updated your phone.  Here are the steps to turn on/off the feature.

1. Launch your messages app.

2. Next, tap on the contact.

3. Tap the info button on the top right corner.

4. From here you’ll see the Send Read Read Receipts option. You can swipe right to turn on Read Read Receipts and Left to turn them off.

ios.jpg
IMG_1495.jpg

What do you think of this new option?

Satire

Want to Apply for a Cell Phone Belt Clip? Apply here.

by: Jake Ring

Ever wondered how handy dandy it is to have your cell phone on your belt?  No one likes lugging that thing around in pockets.  Pockets are for wallets, change, and car keys.  Having your phone attached to your belt also allows for quick and easy use when someone is calling you.

Fill out this form below to see if you qualify?

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfWsbyGjx3M2aHODRsxZ2OT_H3ojxLmFlcq5nlq8iFWyvQUHA/viewform

After you get approved and get your “Belt Clip Card” head on over to coolbeltclips.com and be on your way to looking cool in front of your kids friends.