Which Office Basketball Player Are You?

by: Jake Ring

What Office Basketball Player are you?

Michael Scott


The one player who thinks they are better than they actually are.  This is the player no one wants to admit they are, but everyone else knows who they are.  This player hangs onto the ball too much and dribbles into double coverage when he gets the chance.  Usually sports a cut off that is cut at the seems, so it looks weird, and wears New Balance basketball shoes, with the occasional headband or wristbands.

Jim Halpert


The uncaring MVP.  This player is the perfect fit for a basketball player, tall, lanky, and athletic.  Can do anything from driving to score, or posting up on the three-point line and draining a 25-footer.  The only downside is his effort. They turn it on when it really matters, but are not full go for the entire game.  Usually wearing a short sleeve tee & Nike’s, nothing flashy.

Dwight Schrute


The Hustler.  “I’m just going to play defense and get rebounds.” An absolute unit on the court, but has no hand-eye coordination at all.  Only shot they can make is a layup. This player probably prefers wrestling over basketball, but plays basketball because no one wants to roll around in the dirt with them.  This player is also the player that says “We’re skins”

Darryl Philbin


The Constant, Floor General.  This player would be the best player on the court if it wasn’t for their weight.  They can get up and down the court easily but lack on defense. Normally a scorer and a facilitator of the ball.  Normally bigger guys with a big heart for the game. Also called, The Unexpected Athlete.

Roy Anderson


The guy that plays on the basketball team and his Twitter bio says “Ball is Life”, or “Ball don’t lie”  All effort is put into the game, usually the sweatiest guy on the court. And can play ball at an efficient and disciplined level.  This guy is extremely competitive and will kick the ball if things don’t go their way. A common quote, “Foul!, back up top”. Girlfriend is in attendance of every game.

Which one are you?  If you DGAF then you are Ryan Howard, the ultimate not giving a fuck, person of all time.

Music Festivals are Changing The American Dream (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

There once was a time where the American dream was to get a great job, marry your soul mate, have children and die, watching the sunset with your partner on the deck of your farmhouse.  Fast forward 75 years and the American dream is now going to a music festival, not because you want to see live music, but to get a picture for your Instagram. The feeling of getting that just right picture so that, Mary, back home, gets jealous is so much better than having a child.  I mean who wouldn’t want to do drugs and kill every brain cell possible rather than watching their 6-year-old ride a bike.  


As America has changed, The American Dream changes with it.  Your legacy isn’t determined by how your son did on his math test.  It’s determined by the likes and comments you get on your Instagram photo.  People back in the day used to go out of their way, and even risk their lives, for their family.  But, the joyride in 2019 comes right after the Molly hits and Closer by the Chainsmokers comes on, and your friend just confessed their “bromance/girlmance” for you.  That’s the shit you’re going to take to the grave. Kids get older and forget about you, but Instagram posts last forever.

So, before you go on trying to live in 1943, remember that someone out there is risking their lives, dangling from a cliff, broadcasting live on Instagram, with 8 people watching.