The Epidemic of Sleep Selfie-ing (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Leading up to the 2000s sleepwalking was a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness. Sleepwalking is still common in 5% of children and 1.5% of adults. But a new sensation has risen in the 2010s and forward. Sleep Selfie-ing. It is an oddity that is happening all over the nation.

Ever since Apple released the first iPhone in 2007, reports of what millennials are calling Bedstagraming have exponentially skyrocketed.  Cases have been reported all over the U.S and mainly affect the 12-35 age range.  

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But sadly, people are not just taking pictures of themselves while they sleep, they are posting it to their social media after doing so.  Some, having the little mindfulness they possess, are even posting a caption with the photo.

We interviewed a real doctor to get his take on things.  Dr. Drake Ramoray of Chicago Lakeshore Hospital stated, “This isn’t a real disease, or illness, or whatever you want to call it, it’s just people faking it.”

Psychologist Amy Wojanowski also said, “People are just doing this for attention.  I would diagnose them with ‘Histrionic personality disorder’ which is a personality disorder in which an individual needs constant attention…… even while they fake sleeping

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Here you can conveniently see how the sleep-selfie-ing took place

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It even happened to Maria Carey

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Please, if you need help and think you are in serious danger. Visit this website to talk to a doctor and get a subscription.

Lowe’s Cancels Father’s Day 2019

by: Rodrick Joseph

Lowe’s to shut its doors before Father’s Day putting sons and daughters into turmoil.

The home improvement megamall franchise announced on Friday (June 7, 2019) that it will be closing its doors on Tuesday, June 11th, 2019. This comes at an extremely inconvenient time for kids seeking out gifts for their handyman fathers.

It was such an easy thing to buy for dad,” states Tammy Markovich of Oklahoma City.  “Father’s day and Lowe’s gift cards go together like milk and cookies.  What am I supposed to do now? Go buy a Home Depot gift card? I’d rather just give him a corny, Hallmark card.


Jerry Cannon, a father from Boston, said, “We canceled our father’s day celebration.  Every year I look for my kids to each give me a $50 gift card to Lowe’s. And I have 6 kids.  So every year after father’s day I have $300 in store credit to go upgrade my mower, or buy a new grill, or buy lumber just for the hell of it.”  

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Cannon later went on to say, “You think I let these kids come over to my house and eat MY food because I love them and enjoy being around them? Hell no.  It’s all for Lowe’s gift cards.”

The scramble has begun for kids trying to find gifts.  Some are buying Amazon gift cards, others are buying packs of AAA batteries, and some have been buying Nike basketball shoes, which we all know that the ultimate dad shoes are New Balance or Sketchers.

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It’s a week until Father’s Day.  We wish you all the best of luck in trying to fill this giant void in your Father’s day celebration.  Godspeed.

For more Father’s Day ideas other than Lowe’s gifts cards click here.

Satire. Lowe’s is not closing, go get your day what he really wants. A Lowe’s gift card.

Elon Musk develops automatic Zamboni machine for the NHL (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

In 2020 the NHL will rocket into the new generation as they introduce the Zambomatic.  Each NHL team will receive two Zambomatic’s to shave the ice in between periods. The SpaceX CEO was interview by the NY Times and was cited saying, “I put every project on hold and this is something we are incredibly excited to roll out.  The NHL reached out to us last year and we were able to put the Zambomatic together in a little over six months.

The Zambomatic is a Tesla model and has a three-phase, four-pole AC induction 416 hp (310 kW) and 443 ft-lb (601 Nm) rear-mounted electric motor with a copper rotor. (same as the 2012 Tesla Model S).  

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Some fans of the NHL are not happy about the monumental move. We interviewed a Quebec resident, Liam Macdonald, to see his opinion. Macdonald said, “I’m not happy with the NHL, eh. Us canucks want real men or women running these machines. It’s a national pastime, running that Boni machine, eh.

Amelia Tremblay, a Maine resident, was also unhappy with the move by the NHL saying, “Doesn’t the NHL know they are putting 62 people out of jobs? This is just as bad as Amazon phasing out cashiers!”

What are your thoughts? Innovative? Or controversy?

Satire

Joe Rogan to be first human to interview an alien on The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

After news of Navy pilots seeing UFO’s got out. (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/26/us/politics/ufo-sightings-navy-pilots.html) Word spread quickly throughout the entertainment industry and everyone wanted to get their hands on even the tiniest piece of information regarding UFOs.

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Well Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor, has supposedly been in contact with an extraterrestrial and will interview him on his podcast.

If you have listened to the UFC commentator’s podcast, you would know a lot of his content is focused around the universe, artificial intelligence, space, and other mind-blowing topics.  So, Rogan being the first content producer to have an interview with an alien seems perfect. Rogan regularly smokes pot on his show. Will the alien partake? Has this alien been studying human culture? Will it speak English? Spanish? Chinese?

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The Podcast will air on Friday, June 7th at 11:00 AM EST. 

Check out the rest of his podcast here: http://podcasts.joerogan.net/

Satire

New Frisbee Golf Club to use dogs as Caddies

Frisbee golf to have dogs as caddies

A brand new country club is opening up in Maine and it isn’t a normal type of country club.  K9 Country Club will be a Frisbee golf course providing rescue dogs as caddies for its players.  The 18 hole club will be open every day of the week and have employed over 20 dogs for its players.  The club also will give its players the option to bring their own dogs to retrieve their frisbees from the cages.  

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The cages are specially designed so the frisbee falls out of the bottom allowing the dog to retrieve the frisbee and giving it back to the player.

Matt Green, the owner of K9 Country Club, said he’s spent over 6 months training all the dogs that will be “employees”.  “It’s a family business, my daughter picked out the dogs from the shelters and my two sons helped me train every dog,”  stated Green in an interview with Barstool Sports.

Club membership fees will go directly to taking care of the dogs including food, toys, and occasional vet visits.  Each dog will be under the care of K9CC until they are too old to work, then the dogs will go up for adoption to the public.

Brooks Koepka, PGA tour pro, was sited saying, “Fuck golf, I’m moving over to frisbee golf for the dogs.


Check out their website at K9CountryClub.com

Not real.  Sorry to get your hopes up.  It would be a spectacular idea though!

News Headline in 2050: Atlanta Writer dies from unsubscribing from email ads. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Jan Rodgers was a writer for an Atlanta news station.  She spends most of her time on her computer, which can lead to the occasional online shopping frenzy.  Jan also checks her email frequently and noticed that her inbox was being overloaded with spam and ad emails. So, she took time out of her day to unsubscribe from Wal-Mart, Bed Bath & Beyond, PetCo, L’oreal, American Eagle, Sears, and even Victoria’s Secret.  Each time she’d unsubscribe, a message would tell her, “You have successfully unsubscribed from the Kohl’s Sale Alerts email list.” Jan then went about her day and did not check her email for the rest of the night.

The next day, Jan started her day off by drinking her usual cup of coffee with cream in her favorite Harry Potter Gryffindor coffee mug.  She logs on to her computer to check her email, expecting that her email won’t be filled with advertisements and spam email. She has 15 unread emails waiting for her.  Ten out of the fifteen emails were from the companies she just unsubscribed from. She quickly unsubscribed from the companies email list again and thought to herself, “Maybe it takes a couple of days to remove me from the list.

The next few weeks seemed to be a nightmare Jan couldn’t wake up from. It was a constant process of unsubscribing from emails. It seemed as if the emails were coming in more often than when she started the process.

6 weeks after her initial unsubscribing process, Jan had 1,200 unread emails and the majority of them were ads. Jan was losing her hair, putting on weight, and altogether not taking care of herself. The emails devoured her and her complete attention.

Finally, after going and seeing her psychologist, Jan decided to delete her email and get a fresh one.

After one day of the new email, the ads were back. Jan couldn’t handle it as she threw all her electronics into the nearby river.

Weeks later, Jan began obtaining more and more paper ads in the mail. And she was receiving telemarketing calls. It was never going to end for Jan.

She eventually sold her house. And retreated to the countryside to live the remainder of her days in the woods. Years went by as Jan was enjoying her ad-free life. But one day, as she is gathering wood for a fire, she sees a man walking through the woods. The man is wearing a white shirt, black tie, black dress pants, and glasses. Jan tries to avoid the man but he spots her and comes up to talk to her. He begins by saying, “Miss, Miss, are you alone.” Jan mumbles and says, “yes, please leave me alone.” The man quickly replies with, “have you heard of the good word?”

Jan drops to her knees and dies. The man rushed her to the hospital and the doctors concluded she died of running from ads.  A common death in 2050

Don’t unsubscribe from emails. It will kill you.

​Satire.

Brave college student survives 4 years of classes without putting a single sticker on his Laptop. (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Chad Rosier recently graduated The Ohio State University while not putting a single sticker on his laptop.  No sticker to cover up the Apple logo, no sticker that shows his political party, no sticker to show his favorite Netflix series, no “Keep Calm and ….” sticker, and no sticker that shows what school he was attending.  Very seldom is a student able to survive that long without surrendering to sticker life.

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We interviewed Chad to see how he was able to ride out the burden of keeping a naked laptop.

Chad said, “I’ve had a lot of pressure from orientation all the way to graduation.  Stickers were handed out to me for free at a lot of events, but I kept true to my word that I would never give in to the college norm of hammering stickers on my laptop.”  

We asked him, “Why are you doing this? Are you trying to raise awareness for something?” Chad’s response, “No. I just didn’t want 15-cent stickers on my laptop that cost me thousands of dollars.

We salute you Chad for your courageous act.

Satire

New Airline to Offer “First Up, First Off” Program (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

Airliner to offer “First up, First off” incentive on plane rides.

Are you the anxious one on the flight? Or the “I was just sitting too long” person. Maybe you want to get your overhead out before someone steals it. Then look no further.  A new American airline, Asshole Airlines, is set to offer it’s groundbreaking “First Up, First Off” program to travelers.  New nanotechnology developed by Elon Musk, will be inserted under the skin during the “admittance process” and will let each passenger know who stands up first after landing. A scoreboard-type monitor will be on the back of each seat which shows who will exit the plane first, second, third, and so on.

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Below is the promotional poster posted across their social media.

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It is not an easy process to become an Elite Asshole Airlines Member. One must go onto assholeairlines.com, pay a one-time membership fee of $5,000, and fill out their brief 27-page form.  After consideration, select parties will begin the “admittance process.” This process takes anywhere from 3-6 weeks while undergoing intense personality tests.  

CEO of Asshole Airlines, Shane Butcher, stated in an interview with the NY Times when asked about the extensive process to become a member, “We aren’t going to let anyone with an asshole be an Elite Asshole Airlines Member.  One must have honest intentions of being an asshole and a natural talent for pissing people off.”

If you want more information about this incredible offer, go to assholeairlines.com/info

Satire.

Which NFL Quarterback would chug a beer the fastest?

by: Jake Ring

5. Jared Goff

Goff is no stranger when it comes to pounding brews.  Back in 2017, Goff got his entire O-line Yeti Beer coolers for Christmas.  You think he got all those coolers just so those big linemen could use them at their family barbeque? No. Goff knew damn well those coolers would come in handy while they were out partying in California.  

4. Ben Roethlisberger

I mean, look a the guy.  He’s a beer drinking just by his image and his ultimate dad bod.  I’ve heard stories that this guy would go to a ski lodge in Pennsylvania and just get hammered at the lodge.  In 2017, “Big” Ben used a very particular catchy beer slogan when he was calling an audible. Dilly mother fucking Dilly.

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3. Baker Mayfield

Dude’s 24-years-old, plays in CLEVELAND, got arrested in college while drunk and is an incredible dancer.  If those four facts don’t SCREAM beer drinker than I don’t know what does. While in college Baker was seen at a Clippers game “crushing beer” according to TMZ.

https://www.tmz.com/2018/01/03/baker-mayfield-crushes-beers-at-clippers-game-with-hot-girlfriend/

Baker also just reminds me of that guy at the party that is always drunk but you have no idea.  

Guy at a party: Baker how many have you had tonight?

Baker: “Tonight?” **let’s out loud burp for 3 seconds** “I don’t know I started the morning with a 30 rack of Busch and since then I’ve switched over to 24 ounce Twister Teas.   Pretty chill night.”

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2. Matthew Stafford

Matt is the whole reason I wrote this article.  If you have been dead for the past 2 days I’ll explain the situation.  During game 5 of the Bucks and Raptors series, David Bakhtiari was shown pounding beers in seconds, and I mean microseconds.  The camera then went over to Aaron Rodgers (who would be 32nd on this list), as he choked down 3 sips of beer. @BarstoolNate then posted this video of Matthew Stafford

Putting the highest paid player in the NFL in a fucking body bag.  Good for you Matt, money can’t buy happiness, but chugging beer can.

1.  Tom Brady

He’s the GOAT.  No other way around it.  The man has six super bowls, a smokeshow of a wife and a beautiful technique of playing the game of football…..and chugging beer.  Tom went on Stephen Colbert and killed the fucking game.  Keep in mind this guy barely drinks beer, so he is “straight off the couch” in boxing terms.

I mean it was one gulp.  “I was pretty good beer chugger back in the day.”  

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But can’t we all just agree that Tom is the GOAT of every category when it comes to NFL QB’s; knowledge of the game, most super bowl wins, quick release time, beer chugging.

Starbucks to Start Offering Environment friendly Cylindrical Dispensers

by: Rodrick Joseph

Starbucks to Start offering community Cylindrical dispensers for their coffee.  

In an effort to reduce waste on plastic, the environmental minds at Starbucks have come up with a fantastic idea.  Cylindrical dispensers that customers can drink in the drive-thru. These dispensers will act as common vending machines with all of Starbucks’ drink options from black coffee to the Matcha Green Tea Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème.

Below is a concept drawing from Starbucks’ graphic design team.

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Kevin Johnson, CEO of Starbucks, was cited saying, “The paper straws weren’t enough for us, we think drinking coffee like rodents is the way of the future for the coffee industry.”

In an interview with The Onion, Carlos Brito, CEO of Anheuser-Busch InBev stated, “We are already in development for our beer options following the same model as Starbucks, they are paving the way for beverage companies everywhere.

Customers who wish to get their morning fix will get to drive up to the dispenser, pay for the drink, and drink as much as they can.  To monitor hoarders of the dispenser, after you pay there will be a 45 second time period to allow you to drink your coffee. The American workplace is a fast pace environment.  Why shouldn’t you drink your coffee the same way?

​Satire.