The University of Michigan enrolls student based on Retweets

The U of M announced on Wednesday morning that they will be taking requests from potential students via Twitter.

Chad Bizwell (@CBizwell) was one of the first students to ask the university for admission.

All Chad has to do is ask the internet world to retweet his tweet and Chad will be enrolled in a prestigious university. Chad quickly went to Twitter to get out his tweet.

People’s magazine did an interview with Chad.

All I did was hit the “tweet” button and the internet did the rest. College is going to be a cake walk.

Chad Bizwell when asked how he was able to pull of 10K retweets

And just like that, Chad was given admission to college. No admission process, no ACT or SAT requirement, no essay about human rights, no twenty-page admission form to fill out, no waiting 4 months after submission.  Just tweeting out less than 280 characters and sitting on his ass waiting for the internet to do his job for him. People want to call Millennials lazy, you wait until generation X sheds their light on the world.

So you want to be a stock photo model?

 It isn’t easy, you know. There is a lot of stress that comes with being the cover of a Big Lots ad. I am going to outline these 5 necessities you must possess to live this dream.

  • You have to be as common looking of a person as possible. The more boring the better! No punk rock-ies, no hippies, no gangsters. Only people that look like they have a mortgage, drive a KIA, have two kids, and a Labrador dog named Shadow.
Happy multiethnic family sitting on sofa laughing together. Cheerful parents playing with their sons at home. Black father tickles his little boy while the mother and the brother smile.

  • You have to be able to fake laugh for 4 straight hours. Looking like having fun is not fun.  Especially when you have to do it in a studio for 4-8 hours with people you just met. Get those cheek muscles ready, because you will be worn out by days end. 
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  • You have to be able to handle being “that girl” or “that guy.” If you do a photoshoot for a herpes medicine, people are going to see you as “the herpes guy.” I’m not saying you are going to be doing ads for sexually transmitted diseases all the time but you might have to take that job if rent is in a few days and the white claws from last weekend drained your bank account. (We’ve all been there) 
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  • You have to have an extremely low budget for living life. If you are going to make it a career you have to be the type of person that lives in a 200 square-foot apartment and doesn’t have cable. This contradicts my first point, but being a stock photo model only brings half a loaf of bread to the table. Being a stock photo model only pays $75-$200 for a couple of hours of work.
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  • If you have an agent or even if you are doing it yourself, make sure they(you) aren’t signing you up for porn. Pretty plain and simple. Be aware.
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Your Saturday Mornings with College Football

It’s a fall Saturday morning. You wake up around 8 AM, not knowing how you got to bed.  You walk into the kitchen to get a nice cold beer. Your decision to start drinking again is because of two reasons; (1) it’s the only way to combat the lurking hangover that’s getting ready to hit you, and (2) you can’t drink all day unless you start in the morning . You sit down on the couch, pack up a bowl pack and turn on ESPN College Gameday.

The opening theme song gets you rock hard and you quickly forget you are only wearing your boxer shorts. You think your Saturday morning is going to be spent with Kirk, Lee, and the rest of the Gameday cast as you crack open you beer.

Flashback to last night. You’re dumbass sent that 2 AM, “You up?” text to your ex. She replied shortly afterward with, “yea” But, being the drunk you are, you were too lazy and too cheap to pay for the Uber to go to her house so you decided to make a cheese sandwich, hit a leftover spliff, and go to bed. But as you lay down to bed, your ex shows up at your place. Your two best friends are passed out on the couch, so you have to deal with your crazed ex and you end up sleeping with her.

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Fast forward to now. 30 minutes into College Gameday, your ex comes to the living room in YOUR crew-neck sweatshirt and begins cuddling up next to you. You are in disgrace, but the bowl pack you hit earlier and the beer are easing the pain.

11:30 rolls around and your friends finally wake up. You tell your ex that you are going to get food with them and then heading to a bar to watch your favorite college football team play at noon and that you’ll, “hit her up later.” She gets mad, starts crying and won’t leave your house. Now you’re stuck between choosing between your boys and your ex (that sober you doesn’t want anything to do with). You pick the boys, obviously. You kick your ex out of the house and get in your buddy’s Toyota Corolla to go to the bar.

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“I’ll hit you up later” = yeah, I ain’t hitting you up later.

You begin to think if you did the right thing by choosing the boys over your ex. And you begin to think if your life is going in the right direction. “Should I be trying to settle down with her?” “Is she the right one?” “Maybe I should go back.” “Should I stop smoking weed?”

You have a text typed out to send to her that says, “hey do you wanna come watch the game with us then drink later?” But, as you pull into the bar and sit down at the table. You order a tall Miller Lite and onion rings, look up at the 5 TV screens playing college football, and completely forget what you were thinking about because the only thing racing through your head is if your team is going to win today and where they are going to be in the AP & Coaches Poll on Sunday night.

After the game, you see the text you wrote out but delete it and go back to your crib to smoke a blunt with the boys.

Only two Saturday’s left till College Football, Halleluia

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John Wick Series to move on from Keanu Reeves in John Wick 4

Summit Entertainment, the creators of the John Wick series, have decided to go another route for the next chapter in the John Wick franchise.  To connect with younger audiences, the creators of the blockbuster saga have decided to partner with Epic Games and film the entire movie in Fortnite: Battle Royale.  “Every shot in the movie will be from the island of Fortnite BR,” states Sal Dawn, the director of the movie. “This animation will cut back on expenses from the CGI budget and allow more money for story development, casting, and other aspects for the movie.”

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The Reaper skin was given to players who reached Tier 100 in the Season 3 battle pass.

The Reaper skin (above) will be used to portray Mr. Wick. This skin is commonly referred to as the “John Wick skin” by players of the game. Keanu Reeves will still voice the character but ultimately will not be performing his out stunts.

We asked the director of John Wick 4 why they decided to go this route. Sal Dawn stated, “After three live action films with Keanu we thought we would give him a break from all the violence and let him sit behind a microphone for a change.”

We went on to ask, “Why aren’t you using the actual John Wick skin instead of the Reaper skin?”

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Dawn replied saying, “Most of the players consider the Reaper skin as the real John Wick skin and we thought this would sell better to the younger audiences.”

We also asked some Twitch streamers what their thoughts were of the move to anime. Ninja said, “I think its a homerun. What could go wrong?” Timthetatman added, “Ya, Yeet!”

Some streamers had negative thoughts although, Tfue said, “Why the f*** would they do this too us? First they add the Drum Gun back in and now they lay this load of publicity stunt, b******t on us? F*** Epic (Games).” Nickmercs also said, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

John Wick already has a home in Fortnite BR. Since the release of Season 9, players have been able to roam his house and find his loot underneath the concrete in his basement

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Casting for the female counterpart has begun with early contenders such as Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Lawrence.

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Scarlett Johansson has already made a splash in the Fortnite universe with her “Black Widow” skin from Avengers.

What are your thoughts? Mistake or Great idea?

Satire. Please don’t do this, Summit, we love Keanu and would hate it if this actually happened.

Top Urban Dictionary Definitions

Maybe I’m late to the party, but Urban Dictionary is fucking lit.

Have you ever browsed Urbandictionary.com and read the insanely funny entries on it? Of course you haven’t. You’ve only used Urban Dictionary to look up words your younger cousin said at Christmas. I wrapped up about 2 hours in browsing Urban Dictionary and let me tell you, you could get lost in a UD binge just as fast as a YouTube Binge. If you’ve never been in a YouTube binge, then I don’t think we can be friends.

These are in no certain order, as it is next to impossible to rank these in any way.

69 and 420

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=69%20and%20420

Anyone who has played any online video game has come across a Noobmaster69 or a 420_blazeSmoke_420 or a 69bonerdude420 or a 420_69_420Milf. It is incredibly common and shows how many young kids that are going through puberty are playing Mature games intended for adults.

Sheenis

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sheenis

The Family Guy creator strikes again with what may be the greatest portmanteau of all time. If I were Charlie Sheen, I’d be using this on the reg. The fact that it’s actually a term in Norway makes it an even better word.

Nutsock

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Nutsock

Every boy has been there. Maybe not the “Throw it at the bitch that has driven you to crust up the sock to that degree, knocking her out” part. But a nutsock brings me back to being thirteen again and throwing this sock under my bed only to come out in the dark hours of the night.

Dwight Howard

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dwight%20Howard

Poor Dwight Howard. First Kobe Called him soft, then some guy coined this term. I do not condone the gay slur used in this definition, but my gawd its funny.

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angry dragon

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angry%20dragon

Angry Dragon could also be called Daenerys Stormblow

This one is also equivalent to when a guy Simba’s a girl. This is when a guy excites himself on girls forehead and swipes it away with his thumb while whispering “Siiimmmmbbaaaa”

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Booger hook

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Booger%20hook

What a way to make your fingers sound like a medical tool used to extract hard, dirty mucus from your nostrils. Your girlfriend will hate every time you use this word. I also think this word is in “dad joke” territory.

While you’re browsing through Urban Dictionary make sure you check out the Alphabetical List and see how many terms begin with 69.

I kinda get a feeling that the Cards Against Humanity game just went through UD and picked the softest ones and that’s how the game was created.

Do you have any funny ones that you know? Leave a comment below and follow our socials for more content.

By: Rodrick Joseph

The Worst People on Twitter

Below are the people who taint Twitter and make it unbearable at times. No certain order because they all equally suck.

The people that don’t understand satire/jokes

These dumbasses are probably the most common of the people on this list. If you follow any comedian or satirical blogger then you understand my pain when you read through the thread of a comedian’s tweet and see the utter stupidity of people who intake the same oxygen as you.

I mean, come the fuck on. The man’s name is DICK TATOR, yeah DICK fucking TATOR. Any person with the slightest common sense would look at this and think, “oh thats not real, must be a joke.” But nope, there are people that jump to conclusions like a crackhead doing backflips in the streets for money

360 dumbass people liked this. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY.

My God. My advice to anyone new to the internet. READ INTO EVERYTHING. DON’T JUST READ HEADLINES AND TITLES. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS.

The “I won the lottery and I’m giving it all away” people

Yeah, because the first thing I would do if I won the lottery is go on Twitter and give money away to complete strangers. Okay, bruh.

The people that say “if -so and so- does this, then I’ll give everyone who retweets this $XX” people

“Make sure to follow me so I can DM for your PayPal info” I can’t believe people actually fall for this bullshit. Watch, some rich person is actually going to do this and be true to their word and I’m going to be biting my fists.

Even potential Presidential candidates are doing it. This is 2019 y’all….

You do not have my vote, clout chaser. But I will retweet this just to see if you’re a man of your word.

The “Well actually” people

This guy hits every stereotype for a “Well actually…” guy tweet.

  • a meme as a profile pic
  • no actual name associated with the account
  • narcissistic
  • “insanely rich”
  • Too much to say in a single tweet

Trolls

These people sort of tie into the last one. But internet trolls are everyone’s number one hated thing on the internet. The saying “it’s easy to talk that way behind a keyboard” speaks an insane amount of truth. I don’t even need to show an example of this one because there are numerous kinds of trolls.

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The “I only travel to show off” people

Fuck off. Do you even work? How can you afford all this shit? And your wearing strictly Patagonia?!?! WTF?

I don’t necessarily blame these people for posting this stuff and showing off where they have been. Just be considerant of us peasants you are showing this too making us hate you because we ain’t you

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Perhaps this blog should be called “I hate Twitter” but I fucking love Twitter. It’s my daily newspaper and I get all kinds of entertainment from it. It just sucks to see this kind of behavior clog up my feed from viewing good content. I guess it’s just the world we live in, in 2019.

Maybe one of those rich programmers, Mulan Zusk, will make an app that blocks out all of this shit I’m talking about. But noooooo. We’re more concerned about going to Mars, and ~clean energy~, and robots that are horrifyingly human like, and cleaning up the Earth. Yawn. Why don’t we focus on our real problems like blocking internet trolls and educating people to understand sarcasm?

……that was sarcasm, by the way… Save the Turtles.

Did I miss out on anyone you hate seeing? Leave a comment below! Follow the blog for more content! And follow us on our social media!

by: Jake Ring

NBA makes an agreement with Nike to make unburnable jersey’s for the 2020 season.

NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, has had enough of fans burning players jerseys.  “I fucking hate it. It’s a disgrace to the League, the to players, and to the player’s former team.”  The internet trend of burning jerseys started when LeBron James made his “Decision” to take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat.  Cleveland Cavaliers fans burned his #23 jersey in displeasure of James’s move.

Kevin Durant also received the same hate when he decided to join the 73-9 Warriors making the NBA completely unwatchable and boring. (This one’s well deserved)

To kill this trend, Silver has made an agreement with Nike and Fanatics to sell “unburnable” jerseys. Jersey’s put on the market will now have a special fabric used by firefighters that is able to withstand intense heat for hours at a time. Because of this special fabric, jersey’s will now run for $400 each.

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Silver hopes that this will limit the amount of hate some players receive when they make a move to another team.

So next time you’re favorite player decides to sign elsewhere, be happy for the guy that’s doing something to better himself instead of being a narcissistic asshole and burning that $120 jersey you bought last year for your kid so you can get 5 retweets on your lame meme account.

Satire

By: Rodrick Joseph

Who Says No?

The Los Angeles Lakers have a golden opportunity to acquire 4 top tier talents this summer. The four big “K’s” Kevin Durant, Kawhi Leonard, Kyrie Irving, and Klay Thompson would come to LA in the biggest blockbuster trade in the history of sports. Danny Ainge and the Celtics get another young talent, Kyle Kuzma, to replace their already departing point guard, Kyrie. The Warriors get powerhouse big-man and World Champion JaVale McGee. And the Raptors get convict, Kentavius Caldwell-Pope and Reggie Bullock for rent-a-player, Kawhi Leonard. These four are all leaving, just the fact that each team gets SOMETHING out of them leaving, should make them happy.

Just imagine having the starting five of Kyrie, Kawhi, LeBron, KD, and AD with Klay Thompson as the sixth man. There’s 5+ years of championship caliber basketball back in the Staples center. Each of the starters can take turns in winning the MVP each year. Klay would win the Sixth Man of the Year award EVERY year. It’s a no-brainer for each clubhouse.

Obviously this doesn’t happen. But a man can dream, right?

Seasonal Sports Depression

by: Jake Ring

On Thursday night, the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship.  And as Kawhi Leonard hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy, I got an eerie feeling in my stomach.  Every year this time of year comes and every year it hits us sports fans right in the gut.  I’m talking about Seasonal Sports Depression.  This time period comes from the end of basketball (or hockey) to the beginning of football.  And is also called the “Dead Zone of Sports.”

Unless you are a die-hard baseball, NASCAR, or golf fan, you are not fond of these summer months.  Baseball sucks unless you are actually at the game or if its October. Golf sucks unless Tiger is contending (side note: golf is perfect for napping on Sundays, I will give it that). And NASCAR sucks unless you are piss drunk.

No more, “Hey, wanna catch the game at the bar?” Or, “come over for the game, I’m making buffalo chicken dip.” There is absolutely nothing to talk about with your co-workers at the water cooler.  Bar and restaurants play HGTV on their TVs. When you are trying to get drunk with your friends, you end up drinking more because there is nothing on TV.  It’s bad for everyone.

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Unless you have a girlfriend and/or a wife.  This is their favorite time of the year. Because now, you have no excuse to get out of doing things with her.  When she says, “My cousins-wives-sons gender reveal party is this weekend, we’re going.” You can’t answer with, “Nah, I can’t the [insert favorite teams name here] are playing”  You have to suck it up and go with her because you literally have no excuse. And when you have to go to her dads-cousins-sons-cousins random party, it would be bearable to be at if there is a game on.

The first sight of sports is not for another 83 days when the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers.  And don’t be that guy that says, “I watch every NFL preseason game.” Bullshit, buddy. Preseason games are less entertaining than the AAF games, and that says A LOT.

Luckily this year, we get to watch the USWNT kick the shit out of the rest of the world in soccer.  They are always fun to watch. (side note: They should get paid the same amount as the men, by the way, the men didn’t even make the World Cup last year. Fucking losers)

Good Luck on your 80+ days of no major sports

GodSpeed

Things to keep you from scraping your eyes out from boredom with no sports. In order from best to worst:

1. Follow NBA free agency

2. Follow the NBA draft

3. Watch Hard Knocks with the Oakland Raiders

4. Watch the NBA Summer League

5. Watch the Fortnite World Cup Championship

6. Watch the Women’s World Cup

7. Read my blog crewnecksandsnapbacks.com/blog

8. Watch the Big3 basketball tournament

9. Follow my twitter https://twitter.com/CrewNecksSnapb1

10. Drink a lot of alcohol

11. Don’t watch the WNBA

12. Become a stoner

13. Swim

14. Play with your dog

15. Cry

16. Work overtime hours

17. Watch paint dry

18. Give me money here

19. Arts and crafts

20.

21. Hang out with your significant other