Music Festivals are Changing The American Dream (Satire)

by: Rodrick Joseph

There once was a time where the American dream was to get a great job, marry your soul mate, have children and die, watching the sunset with your partner on the deck of your farmhouse.  Fast forward 75 years and the American dream is now going to a music festival, not because you want to see live music, but to get a picture for your Instagram. The feeling of getting that just right picture so that, Mary, back home, gets jealous is so much better than having a child.  I mean who wouldn’t want to do drugs and kill every brain cell possible rather than watching their 6-year-old ride a bike.  

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As America has changed, The American Dream changes with it.  Your legacy isn’t determined by how your son did on his math test.  It’s determined by the likes and comments you get on your Instagram photo.  People back in the day used to go out of their way, and even risk their lives, for their family.  But, the joyride in 2019 comes right after the Molly hits and Closer by the Chainsmokers comes on, and your friend just confessed their “bromance/girlmance” for you.  That’s the shit you’re going to take to the grave. Kids get older and forget about you, but Instagram posts last forever.

So, before you go on trying to live in 1943, remember that someone out there is risking their lives, dangling from a cliff, broadcasting live on Instagram, with 8 people watching.

Satire.

The Generation of Tiger Woods

by: Cam Wheeler

The Tiger Woods generation was graciously blessed this past Sunday as Tiger Woods walked up to the 18th hole of Augusta and bogeyed his way to the victory at The Masters. That red and black Nike wearing son of a bitch finally resurrected from his 11-year hiatus. I was born in 1994 and us “millennials” grew up idolizing this guy that revolutionized the sport of Golf.

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I don’t need to explain to you how Tiger blew up, that’s old news. But I will explain how we fell in love with a legend. First off, his name is Tiger, that’s so fucking dope. Second, he was young and dominating the sport. My generation also grew up on video games, and specifically, Tiger Woods PGA Tour. I used to play this game for hours with my brother in our basement, as I’m sure you did too.  This game has not been the same since they took Tiger’s name off the game, it’s a D+ game at best, now. To build on his popularity, he was in the same conversations as Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant with Nike. Still highly popular, Nike appeals to us millennials. And in the “Mount Rushmore of Sports”, Tiger was always a guarantee to make this list (still is in my opinion). Tiger made golf so cool and is the reason why some people our age even play the sport of golf (or Happy Gilmore).  Red on Sunday’s, fist pumps, and getting angry after a bad hit, we took away so much from this guy.

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After that night we heard about in November of 2009, then arrests, injuries, and other news headlines, everyone counted out this man, except one group of people, millennials. Stay true to yourself y’all, Sunday was a victory.

Game of Thrones S8E1 Recap

Five Hundred Ninety-Five days after Boatsex, we saw our first glimpse of season 8.  I’ve read a lot of negative feedback on this episode and all I can say is if you did not expect an episode like this, did you really watch GOT through and through.  All their season debuts are slow and tie up some loose ends before the big shit happens.  There’s a ton of major characters in Winterfell at the moment, did you really think they were not going to talk to each other and just have their heads set on the destroying the Night King?  No, Sansa was going to be salty, Arya was going to be excited to see Jon, Bran was going to be a fucking creep, and Jon was going to find out about his heritage. 

This is the shortest episode of season 8, so obviously, it was slow and not a lot happened.  Jon rode Rheagal (named after his father), then got the death stare from Drogon.  This typical early GOT episode sets us up for 4-5 action-packed episodes, don’t be surprised if episode 2 is anything similar to what episode 1 was.  Episode’s 3-6 are going to be a fucking thrill ride.  I have no fucking clue what is going to happen, and neither do you.  All these theories of “Bran is the Night King”, “Tyrion is a Targaryen”, “Dany becomes the Night Queen”, I think it’s all bullshit and the creators are about to mind fuck the shit out of us.

By the way, that religious-cult shit that the Night King pulled this episode was diabolical as fuck.  What the fuck does this thing want, or who does he want?

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Fortnite – Why It’s Not Going Anywhere

Fortnite Battle Royale, a true battle royale experience.  You, your mom, your girlfriend, your sister, your dad, and even your dog are probably sick of this game.  Or, if you’re like me, you can’t seem to get away from it. What is it that makes this game so addicting to play?  Is it randomness aspect of the game? Or the cartoon violence? I’ll tell you why this game is where it is at today.

It’s free. Do I need to say anything else? Everyone likes free stuff.

We’ve never seen a game with this type of reward.  Struggling and grinding 15+ minutes through multiple obstacles to end the game with as a victor after 100 people were in the game, makes this very satisfying.  (and yes I know there were “Hunger Games” like games before Fortnite)

It brings people together.  I used to be all about the single player campaigns and the long nights of playing games by myself, but after Fortnite, those games are dead.  Fortnite brought gamers back together like they were 8 years old playing on a couch together. This game has developed friendships, found friendships, and even destroyed friendships, but all-in-all it’s been great for the gaming community

Drake likes it.  After Drake played this game with Ninja for a night or two, and eventually the whole world found out about Fortnite……and Ninja.  I mean….. It’s Drake, love him or hate him, everything he touches turns to gold. Except for sports teams.

It’s fun and easy to watch.  Twitch became a platform that now competes with Netflix and Hulu.  It’s so easy to throw on someone’s stream and watch for 5 minutes rather than having to watch a 20-50 minute long episode.  Fortnite is a very fun game to watch. Some would say they rather watching than playing. No other game has gotten this type of hype in the viewing aspect.

Just the game itself.  The building part of the game brought a whole new type of technique that no one has seen before.  Add that along with the ability to dance on someone’s dead body (shout out to Halo for the OG crouching).  It’s also a simplistic game to catch on to, color’s show the strength of guns, looting is easy, no attachments, and even though they add things such as; shopping carts, rifts, planes, bows, the game still has a minimalist tone to it that…just makes it easy to pick up on.

It updates weekly with fresh content while listening to players.  Epic Games adds (and takes away) things in the game that the community wants, no other fucking game does this.  Call of Duty puts out a game and is like. “Here ya go, you can buy our Battle Pass for another $100 dollars and get 2 extra maps…” like, fuck that shit.  

Fortnite is a game that had the perfect formula and is still striving, and even taking the crown when other people are putting out their own battle royale games.  Seems like their dominance won’t be matched for long.