Fortnite World Cup Champion “Bugha” spends his entire $3 million paycheck on V-bucks

It just goes to show you that young kids cannot take on the pressure of barrels full of money. Kyle Giersdorf, 16, (screen name, “Bugha”), won the Fornite World Cup this past weekend in which he took home a whopping $3 million.

To put some perspective on his winnings. Kyle brought home more money than the Wimbledon champion, the Masters winner, and the PGA winner.

Image result for espn bugha

One would think, “I wonder what I would do with three million dollars?” Buy a car. Buy a house. Use it for college. Get out of debt. Buy a boat. But nope, 16-year old Giersdorf took his entire payout and spent it on V-bucks, which is Fortnite’s in-game currency. This gave Bugha $405,000,000 in V-bucks money. Kyle bought every cosmetic item he could in the first 5 minutes of having the near unlimited V-bucks but the Fortnite In-Game Store resets every day at 8:00 PM EST, limiting his buying opportunities.

We asked Kyle, why would you do this? He states, “Fortnite has given me so much from money to fame and recognition, and why not thank them by giving all my winnings back to the game that produced me?” “I also plan on gifting all my subscribers, friends, and followers cosmetics as I can.” At least his heart is in the right place, unlike his brain.

Kyle’s parents declined to interview as they have not been able to talk since their son made the V-bucks purchase.

This is complete and utter Satire. Please Kyle, do not do anything stupid with that money. You deserve every penny of it.

Sarcastic Yelper Vol. 3 – The Thurman Cafe

Come one, come all. The Thurman Cafe is the perfect place to spend your entire Saturday. Come in at 1 PM and sit on the luxurious outside benches while you wait two hours for the tiniest table we have. Once you are seated we will take thirty minutes to get your water and to take your order. It’s a great place to get the evil eye from your neighbor (that is basically sitting at the same table as you) as it is almost impossible not to eavesdrop on them. After your hour-long water drinking experience, indulge in our Thurman burger that is too big to fit your mouth around. You’ll end up eating each topping individually until the burger is not even halfway gone and you’re full from the three glasses of water you drank earlier. Now that it’s 5 PM and you can’t move from this massive burger, you get to drive out of downtown Columbus back home to take the biggest dump of your life. Consider the Thurman Cafe a whole day event.

Real review: good burger but the place is a beehive for tourists.

New Cereal Restaurant “Boats and Oats” to open its doors in Columbus, OH

Picture this. You wake up on a Saturday morning hungover as fuck. After your half-hour-long sit on the toilet, you go downstairs, open up the fridge, and the only thing in there is a half drank FOUR LOKO and two-week-old left-over Olive Garden. But fuck, you’re hungry. And your not an eggs and pancakes breakfast person. You want that sweet, crunchy bowl of your favorite cereal. At that point it’s a pain in the ass to go to the store, seek out your cereal and milk, go wait in line for 10 minutes while Grandma uses the self-check-out for the first time, then get back to your house with no clean bowls because you’re a lazy piece of shit and forgot to pick up detergent and dish soap. Instead, you could go to a restaurant that serves your favorite cereal.

Image result for cereal

Boats and Oats will be a cereal based restaurant in Columbus, Ohio featuring a new set of cereal choices every week.

We got a chance to sit down with Samuel Gnarly, owner of Boat’s & Oat’s, and get to know a little bit more about his fresh, new idea.

“We just really like cereal and we want to give people an opportunity to enjoy their favorite bowls outside of their own kitchen. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery, or what we like to say scerealny” – Sam Gnarly

Below is a sample of what Sam and his team are prepared to offer.

For everyone ages 16-29 this is perfect for your Saturday and Sunday mornings. Sam has even bounced around the idea to offer alcohol such as Bloody Mary’s and mimosa’s to get your brunch on.

“If you’re like me, you want to be a little buzzed while eating your cereal.” – SG

So now instead of having the hassle of bringing the cereal to you, you can go to it and not have to worry about dirty dishes and slow ass Grandma.

Boat’s and Oat’s is set to open September 1, 2019. Check out their website here: boatsandoats.com

Satire. But someone please make this happen!

John Wick Series to move on from Keanu Reeves in John Wick 4

Summit Entertainment, the creators of the John Wick series, have decided to go another route for the next chapter in the John Wick franchise.  To connect with younger audiences, the creators of the blockbuster saga have decided to partner with Epic Games and film the entire movie in Fortnite: Battle Royale.  “Every shot in the movie will be from the island of Fortnite BR,” states Sal Dawn, the director of the movie. “This animation will cut back on expenses from the CGI budget and allow more money for story development, casting, and other aspects for the movie.”

Image result for reaper skin fortnite
The Reaper skin was given to players who reached Tier 100 in the Season 3 battle pass.

The Reaper skin (above) will be used to portray Mr. Wick. This skin is commonly referred to as the “John Wick skin” by players of the game. Keanu Reeves will still voice the character but ultimately will not be performing his out stunts.

We asked the director of John Wick 4 why they decided to go this route. Sal Dawn stated, “After three live action films with Keanu we thought we would give him a break from all the violence and let him sit behind a microphone for a change.”

We went on to ask, “Why aren’t you using the actual John Wick skin instead of the Reaper skin?”

Image result for reaper skin fortnite

Dawn replied saying, “Most of the players consider the Reaper skin as the real John Wick skin and we thought this would sell better to the younger audiences.”

We also asked some Twitch streamers what their thoughts were of the move to anime. Ninja said, “I think its a homerun. What could go wrong?” Timthetatman added, “Ya, Yeet!”

Some streamers had negative thoughts although, Tfue said, “Why the f*** would they do this too us? First they add the Drum Gun back in and now they lay this load of publicity stunt, b******t on us? F*** Epic (Games).” Nickmercs also said, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

John Wick already has a home in Fortnite BR. Since the release of Season 9, players have been able to roam his house and find his loot underneath the concrete in his basement

Image result for john wick house in fortnite
Image result for john wick house in fortnite

Casting for the female counterpart has begun with early contenders such as Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Lawrence.

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Scarlett Johansson has already made a splash in the Fortnite universe with her “Black Widow” skin from Avengers.

What are your thoughts? Mistake or Great idea?

Satire. Please don’t do this, Summit, we love Keanu and would hate it if this actually happened.

Want a filler during the recession of sports?

During the dog days of July it’s impossible to be outside because of climate change. So, the only thing you can do (unless you have a pool) is sit in the air conditioning and watch TV. But, there’s no sports on TV. Maybe you’re into Esports, but your favorite streamer is not playing. Or maybe you’re a golf guy but the major tournaments are only on the weekends. Or maybe you prefer NASCAR but the big races are only on Saturday’s and Sundays. And unless you’re a hardcore WSOP guy, then the pain of not being able to watch your favorite sports really sets in right about now. Football is too far away, and the preseason sucks.

Well, this weekend, my friends and I stumbled across the most electric sport on television this summer. And, that’s the American Cornhole League (ACL). At first, we thought the ACL was a bunch of clips of people tearing their Anterior Cruciate Ligament. But, boy were we wrong. We were up on the edge of our seats watching these stone cold cornhole players go throw for throw against each other. Let’s just say these are the guys that took the game a little too serious at the family BBQ, but turned that competitive nature into becoming a professional athlete. But, the best part about the ACL is that literally anyone can enter into the league and compete with the big dogs.

Daymon Dennis throws the most impossible shot ever with ease to make a move

Dennis and his partner, Philip Haydon are the top ranked Pro palyers as of 7/10/19. .

Keep an eye out on ESPN2 and Watch ESPN for more ACL.

https://www.iplaycornhole.com/acl-standings

The ACL World Championships kicks off August 6th on ESPN. Check it out https://iplayacl.com/championships

Follow the blog for more content! Join us on our socials, too!

Top Urban Dictionary Definitions

Maybe I’m late to the party, but Urban Dictionary is fucking lit.

Have you ever browsed Urbandictionary.com and read the insanely funny entries on it? Of course you haven’t. You’ve only used Urban Dictionary to look up words your younger cousin said at Christmas. I wrapped up about 2 hours in browsing Urban Dictionary and let me tell you, you could get lost in a UD binge just as fast as a YouTube Binge. If you’ve never been in a YouTube binge, then I don’t think we can be friends.

These are in no certain order, as it is next to impossible to rank these in any way.

69 and 420

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=69%20and%20420

Anyone who has played any online video game has come across a Noobmaster69 or a 420_blazeSmoke_420 or a 69bonerdude420 or a 420_69_420Milf. It is incredibly common and shows how many young kids that are going through puberty are playing Mature games intended for adults.

Sheenis

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sheenis

The Family Guy creator strikes again with what may be the greatest portmanteau of all time. If I were Charlie Sheen, I’d be using this on the reg. The fact that it’s actually a term in Norway makes it an even better word.

Nutsock

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Nutsock

Every boy has been there. Maybe not the “Throw it at the bitch that has driven you to crust up the sock to that degree, knocking her out” part. But a nutsock brings me back to being thirteen again and throwing this sock under my bed only to come out in the dark hours of the night.

Dwight Howard

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dwight%20Howard

Poor Dwight Howard. First Kobe Called him soft, then some guy coined this term. I do not condone the gay slur used in this definition, but my gawd its funny.

Image result for kobe soft

angry dragon

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angry%20dragon

Angry Dragon could also be called Daenerys Stormblow

This one is also equivalent to when a guy Simba’s a girl. This is when a guy excites himself on girls forehead and swipes it away with his thumb while whispering “Siiimmmmbbaaaa”

Image result for simba rafiki gif

Booger hook

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Booger%20hook

What a way to make your fingers sound like a medical tool used to extract hard, dirty mucus from your nostrils. Your girlfriend will hate every time you use this word. I also think this word is in “dad joke” territory.

While you’re browsing through Urban Dictionary make sure you check out the Alphabetical List and see how many terms begin with 69.

I kinda get a feeling that the Cards Against Humanity game just went through UD and picked the softest ones and that’s how the game was created.

Do you have any funny ones that you know? Leave a comment below and follow our socials for more content.

By: Rodrick Joseph

Seattle should be the biggest fans for a Russell Westbrook Trade

If Russell Westbrook gets traded away from the OKC Thunder, a downward spiral (which has already began) will continue for the franchise to the point where they will have no choice but to move back to Seattle. The management of talent from the Thunder front office could be considered the worst management of all time.

Kevin Durant, Paul George, Victor Oladipo, Carmelo Anthony, James Harden, Serge Ibaka, the list goes on and on. And with their superstar poster-child, Westbrook, asking for a trade, the deterioration leads to Seattle.

The Thunder have already had their luck in finding elite talent from the draft in KD, Russ, and Harden and then threw all away of them. My magic 8ball says they have run out of luck and will strike out in the years to come. Especially in a loaded Western Conference where they are going to find it hard making the playoffs and keeping the fans in seats year-in-and-year-out. The fan base in OKC is already starting to diminish with the mismanagement of these elite assets. Russell Westbrook will be the last knife in the coffin forcing the team to move back to Seattle so the franchise can gain momentum in a new fan base.

Seattle was angry when the Sonics left, and they are thirsty for them to come back.

The twitter account @BringBackSonics has almost 26 thousand followers. This will be growing in the next few years

Just as I am typing this, Woj drops another bomb stating the Thunder are trading away Jerami Grant giving them a total of 6 future first round picks.

Those picks will look good in green and yellow.

Mark my words, in less than 5 years the Oklahoma City Thunder will lose their franchise and become

Top Ten Duos in the New NBA

Kawhi Leonard and Paul George going to the Clippers balanced the NBA for the next few years. THANK GAWD.

Now there are no more super teams and “Big 3’s.” Just a league filled with two-player tandoms. This excites me to no end that the NBA will be extremely entertaining next season. The past 4 years everyone knew it was going to be the Warriors in the finals. THANK YOU KAWHI, YOU DYNASTY KILLER.

With that being said here’s the top 10 duos of the NBA next year. (Baring anymore blockbuster trades)

Did I miss anyone? Not agree? Comment below on your thoughts.

Follow the blog and our socials for more NBA

By. Jake Ring

The Worst People on Twitter

Below are the people who taint Twitter and make it unbearable at times. No certain order because they all equally suck.

The people that don’t understand satire/jokes

These dumbasses are probably the most common of the people on this list. If you follow any comedian or satirical blogger then you understand my pain when you read through the thread of a comedian’s tweet and see the utter stupidity of people who intake the same oxygen as you.

I mean, come the fuck on. The man’s name is DICK TATOR, yeah DICK fucking TATOR. Any person with the slightest common sense would look at this and think, “oh thats not real, must be a joke.” But nope, there are people that jump to conclusions like a crackhead doing backflips in the streets for money

360 dumbass people liked this. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY.

My God. My advice to anyone new to the internet. READ INTO EVERYTHING. DON’T JUST READ HEADLINES AND TITLES. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS.

The “I won the lottery and I’m giving it all away” people

Yeah, because the first thing I would do if I won the lottery is go on Twitter and give money away to complete strangers. Okay, bruh.

The people that say “if -so and so- does this, then I’ll give everyone who retweets this $XX” people

“Make sure to follow me so I can DM for your PayPal info” I can’t believe people actually fall for this bullshit. Watch, some rich person is actually going to do this and be true to their word and I’m going to be biting my fists.

Even potential Presidential candidates are doing it. This is 2019 y’all….

You do not have my vote, clout chaser. But I will retweet this just to see if you’re a man of your word.

The “Well actually” people

This guy hits every stereotype for a “Well actually…” guy tweet.

  • a meme as a profile pic
  • no actual name associated with the account
  • narcissistic
  • “insanely rich”
  • Too much to say in a single tweet

Trolls

These people sort of tie into the last one. But internet trolls are everyone’s number one hated thing on the internet. The saying “it’s easy to talk that way behind a keyboard” speaks an insane amount of truth. I don’t even need to show an example of this one because there are numerous kinds of trolls.

Image result for troll meme

The “I only travel to show off” people

Fuck off. Do you even work? How can you afford all this shit? And your wearing strictly Patagonia?!?! WTF?

I don’t necessarily blame these people for posting this stuff and showing off where they have been. Just be considerant of us peasants you are showing this too making us hate you because we ain’t you

Image result for the hate us cause they ain't us gif

Perhaps this blog should be called “I hate Twitter” but I fucking love Twitter. It’s my daily newspaper and I get all kinds of entertainment from it. It just sucks to see this kind of behavior clog up my feed from viewing good content. I guess it’s just the world we live in, in 2019.

Maybe one of those rich programmers, Mulan Zusk, will make an app that blocks out all of this shit I’m talking about. But noooooo. We’re more concerned about going to Mars, and ~clean energy~, and robots that are horrifyingly human like, and cleaning up the Earth. Yawn. Why don’t we focus on our real problems like blocking internet trolls and educating people to understand sarcasm?

……that was sarcasm, by the way… Save the Turtles.

Did I miss out on anyone you hate seeing? Leave a comment below! Follow the blog for more content! And follow us on our social media!

by: Jake Ring

Lakers Fans: Forget Kawhi, Matthew Dellavedova is the hero you need.

Since June 30th at 6PM, all Lakers fans have dreamed about seeing Kawhi Leonard suit up in the Purple and Gold and play along side LeBron James and Anthony Davis. Every Lakers fan has Adrian Wojnarowski tweet alerts turned on right now, waiting for the moment Woj, bombs us with the Kawhi news.

Image result for matthew dellavedova lakers

I’m here to tell you that the Lakers do not need Kawhi Leonard to win the 2020 NBA Championship. They need Matthew Dellavedova. The Curry Killer. Delly is the elite back-court defender the Lakers need to contend with the Western Conference guards. With guards such as Lilliard, Westbrook, Conley, Harden, CP3, and many more, the Lakers HAVE to have this asset.

Jeanie Buss, Rob Pelinka, and LeBron James’s camp need to put Kawhi aside and focus on Delly. I guarantee if the Lakers were to sign Delly, they would hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy next year.

“Because he’s the hero Los Angeles deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.”

This is completely satire. I hope the Lakers are able to pull off getting the Klaw, for LeBron’s legacy’s sake. On a real note, I do think Delly would be a great fit for the team as a role player no matter if they get Kawhi or not.