Ninja, tagged, another famous Pro Fortnite player, Tfue, in the tweet, and in the TLDR version: Ninja called out Tfue when he tweeted out a similar tweet, saying “play another game then”
Fast forward to now, Ninja, has had it with content creators bashing their main source of income. And I completely agree with his mindset. Imagine selling drugs for a living and complaining about drug use in the country. Ninja made a video addressing the issue.
Seems like a lot of petty bullshit to me. Ninja should have just kept his mouth shut from the beginning but I understand what he is saying. Now, Dakotaz , blocking Ninja? Like why? I get that Ninja-ians are attacking you, but what is blocking Ninja going to do? Just admit that Ninja is right and move to fuck on, pussy
I had to skip last week due to a wedding I was in (Congrats Jayna & Bruce!). I deeply apologize and I hope everyone was able to win their games without my insight. Week 4 is here and it’s the first buy week. Injuries are beginning to rack up and your roster may start to look a little shaky. But don’t panic, there is still A LOT of football to be played this year.
A little advice before I get to this. If you have someone on your bench out-perform someone you started, don’t get down on yourself. Never in a million years would you play Paul Richardson over Davante Adams. Only people with peanuts for brains would make this move (or GIANT balls, however you want to look at it). Fantasy is about playing the right players when the matchup is right, but it doesn’t always work out the way I, you, or ESPN “experts” predict.
Fuck, do the Cowboys look good. Their defense, their offense. Just an all-around, complete team they have this year. So far, Dak is throwing at an immensely high 75% completion percentage with 9 TDs and only 2 turnovers. They go into the Super Dome on Sunday night and I’m thinking that Dak is going to pick on Eli Apple and the leagues worst pass defense.
Goff FINALLY got things going last Sunday night as the Rams were able to get by the Browns in Cleveland. Goff must have realized that Cooper Kupp was back on the team as he was his favorite target all night. The Rams play host to Tampa Bay on Sunday who just let rookie, Daniel Jones, jizz all over their faces this past week. The Rams seem to have their offense going and a matchup against the Bucs (at home) could elevate Goff’s confidence even more.
Yes, we are going to pick on the Dolphins. It’s going to be a theme all year. Phillip Rivers got his yearly “Phillip Rivers sucks” game out last week and it still wasn’t a bad game. He threw for 318 yards and 2 tuddys. Miami is a joke. They are a literal dumpster fire this year. Phillip Rivers should get you 18+ fantasy points easy.
Sleepers: Jacoby Brissett, Daniel Jones, Aaron Rodgers
Do you really trust Matt Ryan against the Titans? It’s Matt Ryan. Some call him Matty Ice for some reason, but the man doesn’t have a drop of cold water in his veins. The Titans have a good fucking defense, that keeps them in games. When Matt Ryan is supposed to do good, like in a home game against a win-able opponent, he falls flat on his face. I would stay away from Ryan, personally.
I like Carson Wentz just like the next guy, but he’s going into Green Bay who has one of the best defenses in the league (surprisingly). On top of that, the Eagles offense is banged up more than the guy that breaks everything on SpongeBob.
Wentz may end up being okay. And if he is your only option you’re going to have to ride with him, but if you can find another steaming option you may want to think about putting him on your bench.
He’s playing the Bears and you saw what Khalil Mack and company just did to Case Keenum on Monday night. The Vikings have been riding the Dalvin Cook train all year and I predict their game plan against the Bears is going to be extremely run-heavy. You can find a better option than Cousins, he’s only owned in 36% of leagues on ESPN, don’t worry about stashing him on your bench, drop him at this point.
Ride the Pine: Jameis Winston, Teddy Bridgewater, Mitch Trubisky
He’s playing the Dolphins…. Also, with the impending return of Melvin Gordon, Ekeler may be on a mission to prove that he deserves the bulk of the carries when Gordon returns.
Believe it or not, Marlon Mack leads the league in carries through the first three weeks. The Colts welcome the Raiders this Sunday and I expect the Colts to keep with the course. Mack may have the 9th most points among PPR running backs, so far. But, he is the Colts workhorse, and touches are touches. Mack has been one of the most consistent plays this year, expect him to have a bigger game than normal this week.
Look, the Bengals haven’t shown us much this year besides 3 Bengal-like losses. But, they go into a banged-up Pittsburgh team this Sunday. These two teams HATE each other. Mixon has a low 2.8 YPA this season but the Bengals have played three tough run defenses this season (Seattle, San Fran, & Buffalo). The Bengals are going to need to get their offense kick-started this Sunday, and the best way to do that is to get Mixon going early. Expect Mixon to bounce back to his lackluster start of the season.
Sleepers: Mark Ingram, Rex Burkhead, James Conner, Adrian Peterson, Phillip Lindsay
It’s a short week, he’s a little banged up (shoulder) from last week, and he’s facing the Eagles who have given up 171 yards on the ground for the entire season (57 YPG). It’s a recipe for disaster for Jones. He should ride the pine unless he’s your only option.
Devin Singletary & Frank Gore
The Patriots have shown that they have a top-3 run defense this season. And I get the feeling that the Patriots are about to stomp the Bills in this showdown of two undefeated teams. Every time the Bills have a glimpse of hope, Tom Brady and the Pats come and stomp on their necks. Singletary and Gore are not explosive enough to exploit this tough defense. You can find other options this week at running back.
The long-time Patriots’ reliable running back is not so reliable anymore. In Bill Belichick fashion, he has a three-headed monster in the backfield. With the talents of Michel and Burkhead, it’s hard to find enough production to keep him in your starting lineup. The Patriots love to change up their game plan when it comes to running backs and against a stout Bills defense, it’s hard to determine what Belichick will do. It’s safe to keep him benched.
Ride the Pine: David Montgomery, Devonta Freeman, Kenyan Drake
Yes, he hasn’t been that great this year. But I’m predicting a breakout game for Adams. Philly’s pass defense has been horrendous this season and with Aaron Rodgers at home, it makes for a great matchup for Adams. I’m expecting at least 75+ yards and 1+ tuddy from Adams. Your patience with him will pay off this week.
Remember last year when the Cowboys traded a 1st round pick for Cooper and we all called Jerry Jones a dumbass. Yeah, well turns out we are the dumbasses. Cooper has finally become the receiver we thought he was going to be coming out of Alabama. As consistent and electric as he has been it’s very tough to bench him. Marshon Lattimore will be following him most of the game, but even Lattimore hasn’t looked like the Rookie of the Year he once was.
The Ohio State prospect has been lighting it up for the Redskins. Initially drafted to be a special teams gunner, now the No. 1 option on the Redskins receiver core. McLaurin has scored in his first 3 games as a pro and when the train is hot you got to hop on until the train falls off. The Giants have one of the worst secondaries in the NFL and Case Keenum is going to want to bounce back after that awful MNF game. Let this star shine.
Sleepers: Cooper Kupp, Tyler Boyd, DJ Moore, Allen Robinson, Christian Kirk
Marvin Jones Jr.
Although the Kansas City matchup seems like a good one on paper. Jones has yet to prove that he is a viable fantasy asset. With only 15 receptions on the year, his value is not worth your time. Matthew Stafford is yet again struggling out of the gates. I have a feeling the Chiefs are going to roll the Lions on Sunday and I would stay away from this shaky Detroit offense.
Kirk Cousins is the Kirk Cousins we all knew he was. With the emergence of star running back Dalvin Cook and the Bears potent pass defense, the Vikings are going to go with a run-heavy offense. Remember week 1 when the Vikings threw the ball 10 times total? Expect that to happen again, with Thielen and Cook getting all the targets. Rumor is Diggs also requested a trade this week meaning there could be bad blood between Diggs and the rest of the offense.
This Bills v. Patriots game is going to be a game of ball and clock control. I can see the final score being something like a 12 – 6. Tom Brady is going to game manage the fuck out of this one and with very little offensive smoke. Not to mention the Bills have a good defense. Also, Edelman is nursing a rib injury that could limit his snaps.
Ride the Pine: Chris Godwin, John Brown, Dede Westbrook, DJ Chark
I really shouldn’t have to tell anyone this. But Evan Engram looks like a man amongst boys this year. Especially with Daniel Jones throwing him the football. He has the size of a TE and the speed of a WR. The Giants play the Redskins this week which could be a shootout in the making. Engram-boom is going to happen.
Sleeper:Austin Hooper, Darren Waller
The Steelers just traded for Nick Vannett and Vance is dealing with a shoulder injury. McDonald is one that the Steelers hoped more for, and the Steelers came out and said they the trade for Vannett was not simply because of McDonald’s injury. It sounds like a ride the pine situation for McDonald.
Ride the Pine:James O’Shaughnessy, Noah Fant
Anyone I missed? Anyone you think will go off this week? comment below and we can discuss.
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Week 1 is in the books. Looks like the NFL is geared up to score a lot of points again this year. Roger must be juicing the balls…. This is going to be my weekly Shiners& Piners. (Shiners⭐️ = they will shine in your lineup, Piners = let them ride the pine, they aren’t worthy of your team for the week).
Dak played like he had a chip on his shoulder in week 1. Almost like the Cowboys are getting ready to give him a new contract? Pay the man. That was the best performance I’ve seen from Dak since he entered the league. His weapons are all in their primes, Zeke, Amari, Gallup, Witten (jk). Dak has a favorable matchup against the Redskins who were torched by Carson Wentz and DeSean Jackson last week. In two games last season against Washington, Dak threw for 562 yards and 3 touchdowns. Start Dak with confidence this week.
The GOAT is the “Play of the Week” since he is playing the Dolphins. Do I think he is going to get a lot of points? Yes. Is he going to play the whole game? Probably not. Tom vs. the Dolphins is the juiciest matchup of the week. I would still start him because I think the Patriots are going to use their shiny new toy in AB, but don’t be surprised when they get a 4 touchdown lead and Belichick starts running the ball…
I’m so pissed I didn’t get this animal in any of my leagues this year. If you got him, there may not be a time to bench him. He’s playing in a semi-weak division and he may be the most explosive quarterback in this league. Yeah, I said it, Patrick. Watson can do everything and after that DISAPPOINTING loss, to New Orleans on MNF, Watson and the gang are going to be out for blood. The Texans play the overrated Jacksonville defense. Ramsay can try to stop Hopkins, but Hop is going to get his.
Sleepers: Jared Goff, Sam Darnold, Lamar Jackson
That’s right, you bought it, I kinda bought it. “This is going to be Jameis’s year”, “It’s his 4th year and he has weapons around him, he has to put up points.” *fart noise* Fucking Jameis, man. Last week he ate more grass than W’s.
Jameis plays the Carolina Panthers tomorrow night and if you don’t know my philosophy on Thursday night quarterbacks, DON’T PLAY THEM (unless they are a top player “Mahomes, Watson, Wentz, etc”) The Carolina front seven got stronger this past year when they added former Buc Gerald McCoy. Pass on Winston
Oh, Kirky. Just like Jameis, you build us up with hype and a plethora of weapons only to take a shit inside your helmet before you run on the field. Kirk went 8/10 last week……. Not a bad stat line, but Minnesota hopes that Dalvin Cook can produce most of the offense the rest of the year. Minnesota’s passing core could take a hit because of this. Kirk plays the surprisingly good Packers defense in Week 2, who made Mitch Trubisky look like a JV quarterback. You can find better options than Kirk.
RODGERS. Let this sink in, Aaron Rodgers had the 24th worst completion percentage in week 1 with 60%. Your boy, that you drafted with your 3 overall pick like a fucking idiot. Andy Dalton had a better week than Aaron, hows that make you feel? Granted he may have been playing the best defense in the league and Khalil Mack was on the hunt the entire 1st quarter. But his matchup this week isn’t any better. The only factor helping Rodgers is that the game is at home, but the NFL’s 2nd best defense comes to town (Viking’s). Bench your 3rd round draft pick.
HEEEEE’S BACK. Is it just me or did Dalvin Look better than ever in his return to the field? He was the entire Viking’s offense. I can guarantee Cook will get you AT LEAST 15 fantasy points this week. The week part of Green Bay’s defense is their run-stopping. Cook should never leave that starting spot on your team.
This is a scary one for owners who did not take a shot on Hyde in their drafts. He looked fucking good Monday Night against the Saints. “oh but he only got 10 carries” He is still learning the offense you impatient fucks. The Texans play the Jaguars on Sunday in which I think the Texans are going to roll over them. Hyde’s carries will increase as time goes on. Duke Johnson is the 3rd down back and he is too fragile to carry the early-down work. Look for Hyde to find the end zone in week 2.
Mack was the work-horse for the Colts in Week 1. Ha Ha. Punny. He carried the ball a league-high 25 times for 174 yards, 119 of those were in the 3rd quarter alone. The Colts are going to need a run game to help Brissett. Don’t let the Titans defense scare you, they still gave up 25.9 PPR points to the Cleveland running backs last week. Mack is going to be a key point to this offense for the year and I like the match up he has.
Sleepers: Mark Ingram, Austin Ekeler, Adrian Peterson, Chris Thompson
DJ plays the #1 overall defense to opposing running backs (Ravens) in week 2. Johnson was able to have the 5th best PPR performance for running backs in week 1 against Detroit, but this is Kyler Murray’s first away game in Baltimore. Expect John Harbaugh to come after Murray and the Cardinals often and early. Stay away from the Cardinals offense.
There was a lot of hope for Lindsay after his breakout rookie season last year. He was only able to manage 66 scrimmage yards against an underrated Raiders defense. Expect close or even less against the Bears D in week 2. Even the king of check-downs Joe Flacco won’t be able to get him away from Khalil Mack.
He is the starter, for now in Kansas City, but Shady is coming for that top spot. He had 18.5 PPR fantasy points in week 1 but I would sell high on Williams. Shady is learning the offense and will start to dwindle Williams’s usage. Williams only had 13 carries to McCoy’s 10 in week 1. The Raiders will possibly be down their 1st round corner (Gareon Conley) which could open the door for the Chiefs passing game and you know how Andy Reid likes to throw the ball.
9 targets for 6 receptions for 106 yards and a touchdown in week 1. Just like his Shiner counterpart, Prescott, Cooper makes the list for week 2. The Redskins pass defense is weak and if the Cowboys play anything like they did in week 1 then Cooper should be a top scorer for week 2.
Woods tied 2nd in targets with 13 last week. There was speculation with Kupp coming back that Goff would steer away from Woods, but it was just the opposite. The Rams have a favorable matchup against the Saints this weekend. The aerial attack that we saw last year could make its comeback this Sunday afternoon.
Even though his quarterback didn’t show up in week 1, Robinson was able to secure the top spot for targets on the Bears roster with 13, in which he hauled in 7 for 107 yards. The Bronco’s secondary isn’t what they used to be, especially after Derek Carr was able to pick them apart on Monday night. Robinson should be able to find the end zone in week 2.
Sleepers: Jamison Crowder, Michael Gallup, Cooper Kupp
Mike has a lot of talent that is going to go down the drain if he stays in Tampa Bay. Evans plays on the road against the division rival, Panthers, on Thursday night. A season ago Evans only had 5 receptions for 64 yards in two outings against Carolina. If you have other options, put Evans on the bench, and if you have to start him, don’t expect a lot from him this week.
Courtland Sutton was able to beat Sanders in targets for week 1, (7-8), and seems to be the clear cut WR1 in Denver. But, its Joe fucking Flacco. If you trust check-down Joe against the Bears then you should stop playing fantasy football. Sit Sanders and find a better option.
Kyler Murray in his first away game against the Ravens, sit this offense.
The one light in the Falcons offense this past week was Austin Hooper. Hooper was able to haul in 9 grabs for 77 yards putting up 16.7 PPR points. A solid outing for a late-round tight end. The Falcons play host to the Eagles this weekend who gave up big plays to Vernon Davis last week.
Sleeper: Jason Witten, Darren Waller, Mark Andrews
There was still some optimistic integrity with Ebron when Andrew Luck announced his retirement. Ebron finished at the top of the ranks last year with the Colts and some believed it wasn’t going to matter who threw him the ball this year. But they (and I) were wrong. Ebron and Brissett just don’t mesh well with each other. It’s would be wise to avoid Ebron this week.
It’s finally fucking here. Fantasy Football. You’ll wake up Sunday morning after watching college football on Saturday, for a full day of NFL football. You’ll turn on RedZone, order food, and sit there for 7 hours of football, (you’re a fraud if you don’t have Redzone). God bless America and football. Please don’t let the softness of the younger generation destroy this Fall tradition we have built for over a hundred years.
Normally I would do a fantasy football outlook, but it’s week 1. You’re guess is as good as mine. Play who you drafted near the top, everyone else is a shot in the dark. Next week I will do a “Shiners and Piners” (same thing as a Start’em / Sit’em), with the QB, RB, WR, & TE positions. If you need help with Kickers and D/ST then you should just stop playing fantasy football.
I will, on the other hand predict who will finish the top fantasy players at each position for the 2019-2020 NFL fantasy football season:
QB: Patrick Mahomes RB: Christian McCaffrey RB: Saquon Barkley WR: Davante Adams WR: DeAndre Hopkins TE: Travis Kelce D/ST: Bears D/ST K: who gives a fuck (Sorry McAfee)
My Top Boom or Bust players for 2019. (in no certain order)
Robby Anderson – NYJ – WR
Derrius Guice – WAS – RB
Terry McLauren – WAS – WR
Tevin Coleman – SF – RB
Any Houston WR not named Hopkins
Latavius Murray – NO – RB
James Washington – PIT – WR
Curtis Samuel – CAR – WR
This list could go on and on. This years talent is so hard to judge. After the top 50 players, the potential for boom/bust is extremly high. Guys you were drafting in the late rounds could have a huge year, which is why the draft is so important, I hope you didn’t get lackadaisical in the last 5 rounds of your draft.
Good Luck to all except everyone I am playing against this year.
The U of M announced on Wednesday morning that they will be taking requests from potential students via Twitter.
Chad Bizwell (@CBizwell) was one of the first students to ask the university for admission.
All Chad has to do is ask the internet world to retweet his tweet and Chad will be enrolled in a prestigious university. Chad quickly went to Twitter to get out his tweet.
People’s magazine did an interview with Chad.
All I did was hit the “tweet” button and the internet did the rest. College is going to be a cake walk.
Chad Bizwell when asked how he was able to pull of 10K retweets
And just like that, Chad was given admission to college. No admission process, no ACT or SAT requirement, no essay about human rights, no twenty-page admission form to fill out, no waiting 4 months after submission. Just tweeting out less than 280 characters and sitting on his ass waiting for the internet to do his job for him. People want to call Millennials lazy, you wait until generation X sheds their light on the world.
In the wake of Daniel Cormier’s loss to Stipe Miocic Saturday night, we find ourselves wondering what this means to the landscape of the UFC heavyweight division, as well as the legacy of Daniel Cormier. The main event to UFC241 was an absolute rollercoaster ride. Ending by way of KO with Stipe Miocic getting his hand raised, and a belt wrapped around his waist. At the beginning of the 4th round, Cormier found himself with a steep three-round lead against the former champ. Then it happened.
Stipe began to unload left hooks to DCs body. Over and over again. Eventually following it up with footwork to the outside and a crisp 1-2 combo that left DC dazed and confused.
Stipe moved in for the kill with straight right after straight right. Eventually, referee Herb Dean had no choice but to step in and stop the fight. The crowd erupted, Stipe danced, and a sigh of relief echoed over the entire state of Ohio. So what does this mean?
It means we could have quite possibly witnessed the last fight of Daniel Cormier’s career. With wins over some of the UFC’s greatest talent and a collection of championship belts, there is not much left for him to do inside the cage. A trilogy fight with Jon Jones is always a possibility, but it is not a necessity.
A more likely scenario would be Jon Jones continuing to defend his belt against the pool of young up-and-coming fighters inside the Light Heavyweight division. Leaving Stipe to lord over the Heavyweights as the “Baddest Man On The Planet”. A rematch between Stipe Miocic and former contender Francis Nganou seems the most appealing. Francis has been wildly impressive as of late with back to back 1st round knockouts against former champions Junior Dos Santos and Cain Velasquez. Stipe was awarded a unanimous decision victory over the young Nganou the first time around, yet something tells me a rematch could have a drastically different outcome.
Regardless of any future fight plans, one thing is certain. There has never been a more exciting time to be a fan of the UFC and Mixed Martial Arts as a whole.
It’s that time of year again. Thank the fucking Lord. It’s been so long since football that I think I tricked my brain into liking baseball. But, that’s all out the door now. It’s finally time to put on your favorite NFL jersey and sit down on your couch and draft your team(s) for the upcoming NFL season. The thought of highlighters, buffalo wings, and cold beer has me rock hard. ONLY 3 MORE SUNDAYS UNTIL NFL SUNDAY. Although, fantasy football is not just fun and games. It’s all about preparation, week in and week out.
Here are what you need to do in order to prepare for your fantasy football draft.
Research. Research. Research.
Doing research prior to your draft is extremely critical. Things to look for are:
free agency and trades made that you might not be aware of
expiring contracts (players who have 1 or 2 years left on their contract usually perform at a higher level to get that pay check the following year)
read up on how some guys are doing at camp. I find reading a teams insider blog is a lot more helpful than reading ESPN or Fox Sports.
get two or three sleeper picks. Everyone should have one solid sleeper going into the draft
Also read up on your leagues rules. Each league has its only specific set of rules and getting familiar with the rules and scoring can really benefit you during the season.
Do some mock drafts to test the waters.
I’m not saying you have to be be Mel Kiper or Todd McShay but put a little effort into it. I recommend using whatever platform your real draft is to do your mock drafts. My league uses ESPN so I will strictly use ESPN. Do about 4-5 mocks and in different draft orders and formats. Doing one where your the 1st pick and doing one where you’re the 7th pick makes a hell of a difference in the strategy you’ll need to use. Make sure you pay attention to PPR/Standard or Snake/Auction. Here’s a link to ESPN’s. There’s a million every minute and are extremely easy to get into. https://fantasy.espn.com/football/mockdraftlobby?ex_cid=FFL2019_RightRailMock
Make a cheat sheet
Look at it as if you are going into school for a test. There’s no mother fucking rules telling you that you can’t have a cheat sheet, so make one, or at least have a pre-made one handy at the draft. No matter if you’re doing an offline or an online draft, PRINT OUT YOUR SHEET. Going from window to window on your laptop/phone/tablet wastes valuable time.
Pay the commissioner the fees before or at the draft
I am a commissioner of one of my leagues and this is the worst thing to deal with. Some guys are great with paying before the draft and others don’t pay until the last week of the league. It’s a pain in the ass asking people for money every week. It makes the commissioner look like an asshole for asking but the real asshole is the guy holding out. If you can’t pay up front, then make a deal with the commissioner for a payment plan. I’ve seen this situation destroy friendships and is that really how you want to lose a friend?
Get a nice name.
Some people like to name their team based of one of their players. Others like to base them off of TV show such as Game of Thrones and others just like generic names such as “Team Blue” or “420 Blaze”
Don’t be THAT GUY at the draft
If you’re at a live draft and people are drinking, take it easy the first few rounds, get your core players then start shotgunning brews. Those first 4-5 picks are critical and the rest are like throwing darts in the dark. Or if you want to take a dark approach, get all your friends drunk and be the only one sober making logical picks
All-in-all, just be prepared. Going into a draft unprepared is a waste of money. Unless you’re the luckiest motherfucker around, you will lose the league and your money. GLHF
It isn’t easy, you know. There is a lot of stress that comes with being the cover of a Big Lots ad. I am going to outline these 5 necessities you must possess to live this dream.
You have to be as common looking of a person as possible. The more boring the better! No punk rock-ies, no hippies, no gangsters. Only people that look like they have a mortgage, drive a KIA, have two kids, and a Labrador dog named Shadow.
You have to be able to fake laugh for 4 straight hours. Looking like having fun is not fun. Especially when you have to do it in a studio for 4-8 hours with people you just met. Get those cheek muscles ready, because you will be worn out by days end.
You have to be able to handle being “that girl” or “that guy.” If you do a photoshoot for a herpes medicine, people are going to see you as “the herpes guy.” I’m not saying you are going to be doing ads for sexually transmitted diseases all the time but you might have to take that job if rent is in a few days and the white claws from last weekend drained your bank account. (We’ve all been there)
You have to have an extremely low budget for living life. If you are going to make it a career you have to be the type of person that lives in a 200 square-foot apartment and doesn’t have cable. This contradicts my first point, but being a stock photo model only brings half a loaf of bread to the table. Being a stock photo model only pays $75-$200 for a couple of hours of work.
If you have an agent or even if you are doing it yourself, make sure they(you) aren’t signing you up for porn. Pretty plain and simple. Be aware.
It’s a fall Saturday morning. You wake up around 8 AM, not knowing how you got to bed. You walk into the kitchen to get a nice cold beer. Your decision to start drinking again is because of two reasons; (1) it’s the only way to combat the lurking hangover that’s getting ready to hit you, and (2) you can’t drink all day unless you start in the morning . You sit down on the couch, pack up a bowl pack and turn on ESPN College Gameday.
The opening theme song gets you rock hard and you quickly forget you are only wearing your boxer shorts. You think your Saturday morning is going to be spent with Kirk, Lee, and the rest of the Gameday cast as you crack open you beer.
Flashback to last night. You’re dumbass sent that 2 AM, “You up?” text to your ex. She replied shortly afterward with, “yea” But, being the drunk you are, you were too lazy and too cheap to pay for the Uber to go to her house so you decided to make a cheese sandwich, hit a leftover spliff, and go to bed. But as you lay down to bed, your ex shows up at your place. Your two best friends are passed out on the couch, so you have to deal with your crazed ex and you end up sleeping with her.
Fast forward to now. 30 minutes into College Gameday, your ex comes to the living room in YOUR crew-neck sweatshirt and begins cuddling up next to you. You are in disgrace, but the bowl pack you hit earlier and the beer are easing the pain.
11:30 rolls around and your friends finally wake up. You tell your ex that you are going to get food with them and then heading to a bar to watch your favorite college football team play at noon and that you’ll, “hit her up later.” She gets mad, starts crying and won’t leave your house. Now you’re stuck between choosing between your boys and your ex (that sober you doesn’t want anything to do with). You pick the boys, obviously. You kick your ex out of the house and get in your buddy’s Toyota Corolla to go to the bar.
“I’ll hit you up later” = yeah, I ain’t hitting you up later.
You begin to think if you did the right thing by choosing the boys over your ex. And you begin to think if your life is going in the right direction. “Should I be trying to settle down with her?” “Is she the right one?” “Maybe I should go back.” “Should I stop smoking weed?”
You have a text typed out to send to her that says, “hey do you wanna come watch the game with us then drink later?” But, as you pull into the bar and sit down at the table. You order a tall Miller Lite and onion rings, look up at the 5 TV screens playing college football, and completely forget what you were thinking about because the only thing racing through your head is if your team is going to win today and where they are going to be in the AP & Coaches Poll on Sunday night.
After the game, you see the text you wrote out but delete it and go back to your crib to smoke a blunt with the boys.
Only two Saturday’s left till College Football, Halleluia